Two months ago the New York Times published an article titled, "A Natural Fix for ADHD."
Two ideas stand out to me:
"Recent neuroscience research shows that people with A.D.H.D. are
actually hard-wired for novelty-seeking — a trait that had, until
relatively recently, a distinct evolutionary advantage. Compared with
the rest of us, they have sluggish and underfed brain reward circuits,
so much of everyday life feels routine and under-stimulating." and
From the standpoint of teachers, parents and the world at large, the
problem with people with A.D.H.D. looks like a lack of focus and
attention and impulsive behavior. But if you have the “illness,” the
real problem is that, to your brain, the world that you live in
essentially feels not very interesting.
So why have I titled this essay, "systems?" Friends of mine recently emphasized the importance of creating and honoring systems to getting-things-done; however, when applied to the brains of folks who fit the description above things can get very tricky.
Of course, you need a system to get things done: look through bills every other Tuesday, workout every other day, study from 8-9pm five days a week. But how can the ADHD adult get a system to work for rather than against her? More often then not, setting up a system is a recipe for predicted failure.
So here is what I recommend:
In my experience it takes a good amount of time to really notice without shame what does and does not work for you. For instance when I do paperwork, I am much more productive if low volume percussive music plays. Why? Because in some way neurologically the sound seems to siphon off the extra energy that perpetually courses through my brain and body when I sit still yet the pulse keeps my mind stimulated enough to retain some measure of focus and follow-through. Another action that works for me? Keeping a simple salad of black and kidney beans with a selection of herbs and veggies in my fridge as often as I can. I am amazed at the effect that these complex carbs have on my sense well-being and stability. Not only do I feel peaceful when I eat like this but this easy simple dish helps to control my sugar cravings (and it's a cheap solution to boot).
Systems will almost always be the way to get things done but give yourself the time and compassion to figure out what is best for your brain and body before you undertake any commitment that requires, well, commitment.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
An Unchosen Hiatus
This blog is supposed to be weekly and recently it has not been. I have found it excruciating to put out a worthy narrative. I put it down to getting very near intense vulnerability and as of yet not being able to sit with it.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the poor sense of time that afflicts that ADHD brain. I've read about it many times but I've been seeking ways to describe how it manifests itself in my own life in order to understand how it severely undermines my life goals. In this essay, I'm thinking about it in terms of the many projects I've started but not finished. I must also share that recently someone described the ADHD mind as one with too many tabs left open. Oh, how this immediately resonated with me.
The music festival I created two years ago was an ideal project for me because it was long term enough to take me well outside my comfort zone in terms of planning but also short term enough that I could see the end of the horizon from months away. Essentially, in both years, I worked on it from January 1st until the mid-May.
What of my career goals such as they have ever been? In 2006, I said to myself that I'd like to pursue a voice over career. Now it's nearing the end of 2014 and I have little to show for it other than some expensive equipment and a good amount of training. A few years ago, I had to admit to myself that I didn't enjoy working at home, alone in a studio and that this wasn't necessarily an ADHD issue. That's more about my fundamentally preferring to work with people in person on a daily basis. I am at my best and most true self when I collaborate. Money has been spent, a few demos were made, one paying job, lots of Facebook and Linkdin connections but, alas, no discernible career. Notwithstanding the nature of choosing such a difficult career to create, I couldn't lock into the "dailiness" of this job. No external structure, no official goals, no coworkers in the same space with whom to talk.
Upon the advice of these ADHD business coaches, I have kept any and all notes that I need in life in one notebook. This has been fantastic. I rarely misplace this notebook and I know where all my reminders and ideas sit. I bring this up because I have tons of ideas in there: recording and video projects, design ideas, essays, concert performance dreams written out, etc. The ideas don't end. It's the execution that eludes me still. At this writing the vulnerability of reopening and examining these life dreams haunt rather than inform me. Stay with my my readers. I'm working hard to be strong in that space.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the poor sense of time that afflicts that ADHD brain. I've read about it many times but I've been seeking ways to describe how it manifests itself in my own life in order to understand how it severely undermines my life goals. In this essay, I'm thinking about it in terms of the many projects I've started but not finished. I must also share that recently someone described the ADHD mind as one with too many tabs left open. Oh, how this immediately resonated with me.
The music festival I created two years ago was an ideal project for me because it was long term enough to take me well outside my comfort zone in terms of planning but also short term enough that I could see the end of the horizon from months away. Essentially, in both years, I worked on it from January 1st until the mid-May.
What of my career goals such as they have ever been? In 2006, I said to myself that I'd like to pursue a voice over career. Now it's nearing the end of 2014 and I have little to show for it other than some expensive equipment and a good amount of training. A few years ago, I had to admit to myself that I didn't enjoy working at home, alone in a studio and that this wasn't necessarily an ADHD issue. That's more about my fundamentally preferring to work with people in person on a daily basis. I am at my best and most true self when I collaborate. Money has been spent, a few demos were made, one paying job, lots of Facebook and Linkdin connections but, alas, no discernible career. Notwithstanding the nature of choosing such a difficult career to create, I couldn't lock into the "dailiness" of this job. No external structure, no official goals, no coworkers in the same space with whom to talk.
Upon the advice of these ADHD business coaches, I have kept any and all notes that I need in life in one notebook. This has been fantastic. I rarely misplace this notebook and I know where all my reminders and ideas sit. I bring this up because I have tons of ideas in there: recording and video projects, design ideas, essays, concert performance dreams written out, etc. The ideas don't end. It's the execution that eludes me still. At this writing the vulnerability of reopening and examining these life dreams haunt rather than inform me. Stay with my my readers. I'm working hard to be strong in that space.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
I'm Still Here
Yes, I am still here. I have at least five essays in the rough draft stage. To keep you occupied, do take a few minutes to read this essay on The Habits of Highly Productive Writers.
Humbling reading for an ADHD brain.
Humbling reading for an ADHD brain.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The Only Thing Tempting is Temptation Itself
Traveling and preparing for an overly tempting food environment can be challenging for most of us. ADHD adults have their own issues with which to contend such as the near absolute truth that if the cravings occur (and they will) we will indulge them. Read here to see more of my thoughts on this. Last weekend I made a trip to another city where I knew there would be many tempting foods, from the junk food at the gas stations to the too-large portion sizes in restaurants to party food that I always love, love, love.
Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave. These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride. I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked! I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted. Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time. Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there). I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake. Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this. I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.
My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago. Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism. Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.
More soon!
Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave. These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride. I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked! I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted. Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time. Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there). I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake. Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this. I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.
My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago. Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism. Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.
More soon!
Friday, October 10, 2014
Understanding Time Blindness (well, my time blindness)
Time blindness - I am completely fascinated by this topic in relation to ADHD thinking. How do I describe what I don't see nor do naturally?
"According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can 't connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren 't able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It's very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. " Citation
The lack of this ability leads to impulsive decisions (pick your vice that you indulge) and years of wasted time.
One way I think of this inability to imagine the future is to imagine a reverse spiral of layers upon layers of challenge.
Let's imagine those "begats" that you may come across if you ever read through some of the bible. A dysfunctioning neurological system begats poor sleep habits begats emotional sensitivity begats morning moodiness began sleepiness begats forgetfulness begats poor focus in school begats inability to do homework well begats grade anxiety begats an already squishy self esteem begats learning to keep quiet begats toxic stress begats overeating begats sugar addiction begats sugar crashes begats years of weight loss and gain and loss and gain begats finding oneself almost 43 years old wondering how I missed healthy life planning.
I now know how I missed it (read above) but it seems imperative to understand how I didn't see in order to now see.
"According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can 't connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren 't able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It's very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. " Citation
The lack of this ability leads to impulsive decisions (pick your vice that you indulge) and years of wasted time.
One way I think of this inability to imagine the future is to imagine a reverse spiral of layers upon layers of challenge.
Let's imagine those "begats" that you may come across if you ever read through some of the bible. A dysfunctioning neurological system begats poor sleep habits begats emotional sensitivity begats morning moodiness began sleepiness begats forgetfulness begats poor focus in school begats inability to do homework well begats grade anxiety begats an already squishy self esteem begats learning to keep quiet begats toxic stress begats overeating begats sugar addiction begats sugar crashes begats years of weight loss and gain and loss and gain begats finding oneself almost 43 years old wondering how I missed healthy life planning.
I now know how I missed it (read above) but it seems imperative to understand how I didn't see in order to now see.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Changing Habits
Changing habits, really changing habits, is extremely challenging so I thought that I'd report here about some success that I've had in slowly changing some long term destructive habits of mine. Like many ADHD adults (and children), I'm a sugar addict. A while back, while staring at a partially eaten chocolate cake, one of those huge sheet cakes that feeds at least 50 people, I said to my friend mournfully, "I could eat all of that and still crave more." She replied with a phrase she learned from reading about recovery, "One is too many and a thousand isn't enough." I've never forgotten that phrase and know it to be deeply true.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
Friday, September 19, 2014
A Voice of My Own
I'm 42 years old and I finally hearing sound of my own voice.
I'm also 42 years old feeling like an 18 year old. By that I mean, feeling ready to finally go to college in the way I wish I could have done, finally ready to move to NY or Chicago and pursue that sketch comedy/music career that has been with me since day one.
But I'm 42 not 18.
I'm 42 and I want a family.
I want a life WITH someone.
If this were a blog about my years of depression I would tell you that for me, and I speak only for myself, depression and the terrible sense of self that came along with it, did not mix with sex, emotional intimacy, joy or planning for the future.
The world awaits my entrance (to sound just a tad megalomaniacal).
More soon. Much work is being done and I look forward to posting weekly once again.
I'm also 42 years old feeling like an 18 year old. By that I mean, feeling ready to finally go to college in the way I wish I could have done, finally ready to move to NY or Chicago and pursue that sketch comedy/music career that has been with me since day one.
But I'm 42 not 18.
I'm 42 and I want a family.
I want a life WITH someone.
If this were a blog about my years of depression I would tell you that for me, and I speak only for myself, depression and the terrible sense of self that came along with it, did not mix with sex, emotional intimacy, joy or planning for the future.
The world awaits my entrance (to sound just a tad megalomaniacal).
More soon. Much work is being done and I look forward to posting weekly once again.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
So Many Choices
I'm in week #4 (of 26) of the Working with ADHD VIP club. It's a program that I signed up for a few weeks ago after hearing about it through the ADHD Weekly podcast. While I am not yet a self-sustaining entrepreneur, signing up for these mini-lessons feels right for me.
The first four lessons are:
All four have been extremely informative and I eagerly look forward to the remaining 22 lessons.
My challenge is figuring out what do I want to do with this ever growing body of knowledge. I am dragging my feet changing to another restaurant, which must happen because I need to earn more money. I am equally flummoxed by how to focus and utilize the skills that for so long I was unable to access due to depression and the fog of ADHD.
Here are the various ideas that dance across my consciousness:
The first four lessons are:
- Learning more about and taking Omega III pills
- How to prioritize My Workload
- Five Steps to Beating Procrastination
- How to gain up to two hours of productivity a day
All four have been extremely informative and I eagerly look forward to the remaining 22 lessons.
My challenge is figuring out what do I want to do with this ever growing body of knowledge. I am dragging my feet changing to another restaurant, which must happen because I need to earn more money. I am equally flummoxed by how to focus and utilize the skills that for so long I was unable to access due to depression and the fog of ADHD.
Here are the various ideas that dance across my consciousness:
- teaching performance workshops
- event MC
- voice over artist
- yoga teacher
- music festival organizer
- creating solo shows
- playwright
- creating a national holiday celebrating secularism
- sketch and comedy song writer
- creating my own production company
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Reflections on Death
Yep, that the most honest essay title that came to me.
I, along with millions of others, have been thinking about Robin Williams this week, about the terrible pain the brought him to the point where he consciously took his own life. I also learned today that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. If you are profoundly depressed, there is little to no energy left to face anything. Doing the dishes and dealing with a lifelong illness seem equally impossible to face.
What did his comedy mean to me? Why am I so sad at his death? Why was this performer such a standout amongst his peers? The one word that seems completely appropriate is empathy. He emotionally connected with everyone around him. Williams could take the most horrible and tragic of circumstances and make it wickedly, heartbreakingly funny. His work seems to show that all of life is a tragedy so you might as well laugh (and be kind to one another).
Robin Williams seemed to possess the ability to be a transmitter of emotion. In his comedy (and elsewhere) he shared his darkest and most lonely self in a way that let people feel less alone themselves.
I think that's what truly we all want: to be less alone.
Sadly we are a little more alone because he is gone.
I, along with millions of others, have been thinking about Robin Williams this week, about the terrible pain the brought him to the point where he consciously took his own life. I also learned today that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. If you are profoundly depressed, there is little to no energy left to face anything. Doing the dishes and dealing with a lifelong illness seem equally impossible to face.
What did his comedy mean to me? Why am I so sad at his death? Why was this performer such a standout amongst his peers? The one word that seems completely appropriate is empathy. He emotionally connected with everyone around him. Williams could take the most horrible and tragic of circumstances and make it wickedly, heartbreakingly funny. His work seems to show that all of life is a tragedy so you might as well laugh (and be kind to one another).
Robin Williams seemed to possess the ability to be a transmitter of emotion. In his comedy (and elsewhere) he shared his darkest and most lonely self in a way that let people feel less alone themselves.
I think that's what truly we all want: to be less alone.
Sadly we are a little more alone because he is gone.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
It's Never too Late to be What You Might Have Been
If there is anything that adults with ADHD struggle with, talk about, lie (lay?) in bed and reflect upon with perhaps many a tear streaming down cheeks, it's the feeling that all your potential is locked up in some overly secure fortress and there is no existent key out there to set it free. If you look up into its barred windows, you'll see this beautiful potential in darkened rooms waving arms out into the sunshine imploring, "I am here! Please set me free."
As for myself, I have spent many years in that place with little ability to access what I sensed deep within was my potential.
Things have been changing for the better for me. Slowly but surely.
I am in a good mental space, the best of my life actually. Years of private and group therapy, finding the right antidepressant with the correct dosage (generic Effexor XR - venlafaxine 150mg/day) and a myriad other efforts here and there, such as doing yoga, and eating healthily have been having profoundly good effects on my life.
It is in this spirit that I've chosen to sign up for the Working with ADHD VIP Club. This company is specifically created for ADHD entrepreneurs (Hey that's me!!). Two years ago I created a music festival specifically to challenge many of my ADHD issues. Not only did it allow me to face many of my profound organizational insecurities, it unlocked so much of that fantastic potential that has been sitting there for years aching to be released.
The short list of the my now-being-realized potential:
Creating a community music festival where little money was involved was the perfect way to challenge my ADHD. Now is the time to take these hard won skills of mine and create my living.
As for myself, I have spent many years in that place with little ability to access what I sensed deep within was my potential.
Things have been changing for the better for me. Slowly but surely.
I am in a good mental space, the best of my life actually. Years of private and group therapy, finding the right antidepressant with the correct dosage (generic Effexor XR - venlafaxine 150mg/day) and a myriad other efforts here and there, such as doing yoga, and eating healthily have been having profoundly good effects on my life.
It is in this spirit that I've chosen to sign up for the Working with ADHD VIP Club. This company is specifically created for ADHD entrepreneurs (Hey that's me!!). Two years ago I created a music festival specifically to challenge many of my ADHD issues. Not only did it allow me to face many of my profound organizational insecurities, it unlocked so much of that fantastic potential that has been sitting there for years aching to be released.
The short list of the my now-being-realized potential:
- Natural diplomat
- Very good public speaker
- Can get anyone excited about any idea
- Good writer
Creating a community music festival where little money was involved was the perfect way to challenge my ADHD. Now is the time to take these hard won skills of mine and create my living.
Monday, July 21, 2014
The Neverending Story
As many ADHD adults know overeating and ADHD often go hand in hand. It's certainly not the whole story as to why I have always struggled with my weight but it's a big contributing factor.
This is the Cliff Notes version of my weight history:
What changed in the past year? Two things: My doctor doubled the antidepressant (venlafaxine - generic Effexor) that I've taken for 13 years from 75mg to 150mg. This was most certainly a good decision. My mood and sense of resiliency has been wonderfully stable this past year. Is it the medication affecting my metabolism or is it my general feeling of resilience and good mood that is leading more overeating than I have done in the past?
I'm not sure of the answer to this but I do feel the need to revisit a weight loss plan. I may never get to 170 again but losing 15 lbs would be a good thing for me on all levels.
The good news is that through all of this I keep myself fit. I do yoga, I bike, I powerwalk. Years ago I realized that fitness need not be connected to what I weigh. In fact I feel that it's imperative that it isn't.
Like any addict, my struggle with my weight has been, is and will be lifelong. This she-demon is always there but working with her and all the things that are better, stronger and more worthy than indulging cravings is what I seek.
This is the Cliff Notes version of my weight history:
- Ages 5 - 14: Overweight and ending at weighing in 240 at age 14 (at 5ft. 8in).
- Ages 14 - 16 - Went from 240 - 170. Done with the willpower of a young, moderately obsessed teenager. My normal and healthy weight is 170, which you see below in 1993 when I was living in France for my junior year of college.
- Ages 16 - 28: My weight remained steady at 175'ish but ticked up up to 220 or so around 1997, when I stopped working on a farm (read eating well and doing physical work).
- Summer 2001 - Weighed in at 220 and made concerted effort to lose weight. Lost 18 or so pounds.
- 2001 - 2013: Weight steady around 204 give or take a few pounds
- 2013 - 2014: Gained ten pounds steadily to now weight in at 214.
What changed in the past year? Two things: My doctor doubled the antidepressant (venlafaxine - generic Effexor) that I've taken for 13 years from 75mg to 150mg. This was most certainly a good decision. My mood and sense of resiliency has been wonderfully stable this past year. Is it the medication affecting my metabolism or is it my general feeling of resilience and good mood that is leading more overeating than I have done in the past?
I'm not sure of the answer to this but I do feel the need to revisit a weight loss plan. I may never get to 170 again but losing 15 lbs would be a good thing for me on all levels.
The good news is that through all of this I keep myself fit. I do yoga, I bike, I powerwalk. Years ago I realized that fitness need not be connected to what I weigh. In fact I feel that it's imperative that it isn't.
Like any addict, my struggle with my weight has been, is and will be lifelong. This she-demon is always there but working with her and all the things that are better, stronger and more worthy than indulging cravings is what I seek.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Pass/Fail
Getting Things Done.
This is quite literally all that is ever required in life.
At least this is what it seems to one, myself, who has never been particularly good at nor enjoyed Getting. Things. Done. If you're aren't good at this, a huge price will be paid.
What did I need to get done today? To get my car inspected asap as the previous one had expired yesterday.
The registration had expired in March and thus I couldn't order a new one online until I had gone through and passed the inspection. Why didn't I just go then? Because things cost money and I was just Putting. Things. Off. Also, I've needed for months to replace two brake and turn signal bulbs and also the left side window shield wiper. Without the fixed brake light, the car doesn't pass inspection. Lastly, I wanted to do both of these tasks myself but that takes some focus. Never easy for me.
I delayed and delayed learning how to do both of these things, weeks and months of delaying. Today I HAD to get things done so I went to the coffee shop and watched two YouTube videos that taught me all I needed to know about changing bulbs and wipers. That took about, maybe, half an hour. At the inspection station, there were no cars in line. I was done in 15 minutes, a rare joy indeed. All told, the videos, the repairs, the inspection and the journey to and from took about two hours. Only two !**^&^^% hours. And so many months and months of wasteful lead time.
For the ADHD brain, my brain, few Things. That. Need. Doing. ever feel instrinsically structured and so because of this I either feel no visceral imperative to get things done or I feel everything at once and freeze in motion.
My task today was to accept that I was going to waste $100 of money (the late inspection fee) that had been within my power not to waste but also, and more importantly, to take a few more steps on the path of changing my relationship with the tasks that lay ahead of me, which means to continue to change my perception of time, which until recently was either, Now or Forever. "Now" I can take. "Forever" is impossible.
When I have tasks that feel overwhelming to me (read utterly boring) I escape.
Today I broke down the tasks that needed doing and consciously reminded myself that this or that task would be done well before the sun went down. Additionally, even if my car failed inspection, which it didn't, I would face that challenge when it happened and take it one, two or three steps at a time.
This entire essay brings to inevitably to this question:
What does the ADHD adult or child fear most in this world?
Boredom.
Today I made my tasks more productive and,well, not boring.
For that I am quite happy.
This is quite literally all that is ever required in life.
At least this is what it seems to one, myself, who has never been particularly good at nor enjoyed Getting. Things. Done. If you're aren't good at this, a huge price will be paid.
What did I need to get done today? To get my car inspected asap as the previous one had expired yesterday.
The registration had expired in March and thus I couldn't order a new one online until I had gone through and passed the inspection. Why didn't I just go then? Because things cost money and I was just Putting. Things. Off. Also, I've needed for months to replace two brake and turn signal bulbs and also the left side window shield wiper. Without the fixed brake light, the car doesn't pass inspection. Lastly, I wanted to do both of these tasks myself but that takes some focus. Never easy for me.
I delayed and delayed learning how to do both of these things, weeks and months of delaying. Today I HAD to get things done so I went to the coffee shop and watched two YouTube videos that taught me all I needed to know about changing bulbs and wipers. That took about, maybe, half an hour. At the inspection station, there were no cars in line. I was done in 15 minutes, a rare joy indeed. All told, the videos, the repairs, the inspection and the journey to and from took about two hours. Only two !**^&^^% hours. And so many months and months of wasteful lead time.
For the ADHD brain, my brain, few Things. That. Need. Doing. ever feel instrinsically structured and so because of this I either feel no visceral imperative to get things done or I feel everything at once and freeze in motion.
My task today was to accept that I was going to waste $100 of money (the late inspection fee) that had been within my power not to waste but also, and more importantly, to take a few more steps on the path of changing my relationship with the tasks that lay ahead of me, which means to continue to change my perception of time, which until recently was either, Now or Forever. "Now" I can take. "Forever" is impossible.
When I have tasks that feel overwhelming to me (read utterly boring) I escape.
Today I broke down the tasks that needed doing and consciously reminded myself that this or that task would be done well before the sun went down. Additionally, even if my car failed inspection, which it didn't, I would face that challenge when it happened and take it one, two or three steps at a time.
This entire essay brings to inevitably to this question:
What does the ADHD adult or child fear most in this world?
Boredom.
Today I made my tasks more productive and,well, not boring.
For that I am quite happy.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
In Between the Macro and the Micro
Change is THE WORST. And yet and yet....
I desire change. I'm mentally ready for change but how to earn a half way decent living doing at least some of the things I do really well is still a mystery for me.
I've been doing my best to objectively ask myself, "why do I dread change?"
Here are some answers that I came up with in no particular order.
I've found these ADHD rules-to-live-by quite clarifying. The ideas contained it get me closer to what I'm looking for. To paraphrase, in case reading it is not in the cards for you today:
Unfortunately if you're not diagnosed for years, one spends his or her life feeling overwhelmed and looking for an escape route, consciously or unconsciously. I was around 29 when I was diagnosed, well after the school years when I have to imagine it would have been helpful to understand how my brain worked.
But the past is the past and I am looking to the future as best as I can.
I desire change. I'm mentally ready for change but how to earn a half way decent living doing at least some of the things I do really well is still a mystery for me.
I've been doing my best to objectively ask myself, "why do I dread change?"
Here are some answers that I came up with in no particular order.
- Change for me usually equals earning even less money than I make now.
- At least for the last few years, learning restaurant knowledge for a job that, in truth, I don't ever really want.
- The way I've made changes for most of my life tends to not be done is small, healthy doses but in large terrifying not well done leaps.
I've found these ADHD rules-to-live-by quite clarifying. The ideas contained it get me closer to what I'm looking for. To paraphrase, in case reading it is not in the cards for you today:
- Get a better grip on impulse control, whether it be around food, online distractions, or anything that catches my attention.
- Work to have a deeper understanding on how I attempt to solve problems and where my weaknesses trip me up.
- Learn how to delay gratification.
- And lastly and the one that resonates most with me: Learn how to have a better intuitive sense of the future.
Unfortunately if you're not diagnosed for years, one spends his or her life feeling overwhelmed and looking for an escape route, consciously or unconsciously. I was around 29 when I was diagnosed, well after the school years when I have to imagine it would have been helpful to understand how my brain worked.
But the past is the past and I am looking to the future as best as I can.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Depth of Focus
I am lost. Not in a self-loathing, depressed, I'll-never-get-anything-right kind of way but more in a I'm-lost-in-a-city-without-much-money-but-I'll-look-around-and-see-where-this-has brought-me kind of way. The second iteration of The Takoma Porch Music Festival has come and gone. It went really well and now I look more broadly to the future.
Christopher Hitchens, a favorite writer and public intellectual of mine who died in 2011 wrote in his book, Letters to a Young Contrarian, "what really matters about any individual is not what he thinks but how he thinks." (pg. 63).
Boy isn't that the (*&^%$^% truth.
There are just so many distractions in this world - out there and on my computer. How do I put controls on my tenuous focus that don't feel like deprivation? It's not just the stupid celebrity news and cat videos that distract me but genuinely fascinating articles related to science, math, astronomy, music, or any of the thousands of fascinating websites out there with ever more information. So many of them offer access to Things. Worth. Knowing. I have almost no method to filter or rules to guide me in this. And even if I do find rules I'll need to follow them in the way that works best for me and my more than unruly brain.
I have watched friends and acquaintances move so far past me in their lives in Getting. Things. Done. The pain of this is most acute when I see fellow musicians grow deeply in their music skills AND in their ability to create shows or music acts and earn money at it. So. Much. Organization. and Stick-to-it-tiveness. It's the latter that continues on as a struggle for me, a mostly unproductive and energy wasting struggle.
What does a totally reasonable expectation of doggedness in the face of all that distracts me mean?
What do I do when all passions and the tasks related to them too often feel equal and unending?
This is my current dilemma.
Christopher Hitchens, a favorite writer and public intellectual of mine who died in 2011 wrote in his book, Letters to a Young Contrarian, "what really matters about any individual is not what he thinks but how he thinks." (pg. 63).
Boy isn't that the (*&^%$^% truth.
There are just so many distractions in this world - out there and on my computer. How do I put controls on my tenuous focus that don't feel like deprivation? It's not just the stupid celebrity news and cat videos that distract me but genuinely fascinating articles related to science, math, astronomy, music, or any of the thousands of fascinating websites out there with ever more information. So many of them offer access to Things. Worth. Knowing. I have almost no method to filter or rules to guide me in this. And even if I do find rules I'll need to follow them in the way that works best for me and my more than unruly brain.
I have watched friends and acquaintances move so far past me in their lives in Getting. Things. Done. The pain of this is most acute when I see fellow musicians grow deeply in their music skills AND in their ability to create shows or music acts and earn money at it. So. Much. Organization. and Stick-to-it-tiveness. It's the latter that continues on as a struggle for me, a mostly unproductive and energy wasting struggle.
What does a totally reasonable expectation of doggedness in the face of all that distracts me mean?
What do I do when all passions and the tasks related to them too often feel equal and unending?
This is my current dilemma.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Hello Again - Fake Grad. School - Year II
I need this blog again. I want this blog again. Those who read it over the past two years may recall
that I used it to manage the thoughts and feelings I felt while creating
and producing a music festival, something I had had no experience doing
before.
The Takoma Porch Music Festival happened for a second time this past May 17th and it went crazy well; I was even nominated for a local award! The weather was perfect and any glitches were so minor that they're barely worth noting. While the daily work of organizing it was not particularly easy, I didn't feel the need to blog about it. My strongest emotion this time around wasn't the terror of creating something that required my believing in my strengths in spite of my weaknesses but rather enduring the frustration of not enough time, money nor energy to create and publicize the kind of music festival I know Takoma Porch can be. So huzzah! to progress of sorts.
Now that that huge project is currently off my table, I've been thinking about how to approach the next year of my life. That alone is a new concept for me. Meds, therapy and creating the festival have helped me to conceptualize time somewhat better than before.,...well, ever.
This time around I've laid out books to read, web sites to guide me and two second year projects. The time frame is June 2014 - June 2015. Here is my syllabus:
Texts:
Second Year Projects:
The Takoma Porch Music Festival happened for a second time this past May 17th and it went crazy well; I was even nominated for a local award! The weather was perfect and any glitches were so minor that they're barely worth noting. While the daily work of organizing it was not particularly easy, I didn't feel the need to blog about it. My strongest emotion this time around wasn't the terror of creating something that required my believing in my strengths in spite of my weaknesses but rather enduring the frustration of not enough time, money nor energy to create and publicize the kind of music festival I know Takoma Porch can be. So huzzah! to progress of sorts.
Now that that huge project is currently off my table, I've been thinking about how to approach the next year of my life. That alone is a new concept for me. Meds, therapy and creating the festival have helped me to conceptualize time somewhat better than before.,...well, ever.
This time around I've laid out books to read, web sites to guide me and two second year projects. The time frame is June 2014 - June 2015. Here is my syllabus:
Texts:
- ADD and Your Money: A Guide to Personal Finance for Adults with Attention-Deficit Disorder by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis and Karl Klein
- Making Money in Your PJs - Freelancing for voice-over and other solopreneurs by Paul Strikwerda
- The Complete Idiots GD to Music Composition by Michael Miller
Second Year Projects:
- Create a full functioning live show with paid performers with funding from a crowd-sourcing site.
- Create and make public my own website.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
The Show Must Go On...
I didn't get the job. Am I disappointed. Yes. Am I devastated?
Not at all.
I'm feeling quite resilient. Less than 20 hours after receiving my rejection email and I've already been in contact with the woman who recommended me for this job. She's expressed her thought that there are lots of jobs out there for me in the arts and we can find them (or create them ourselves). Considering this woman founded an arts organization that continues to thrive after almost twenty years in existence, I'm inclined to stick close to and learn from her.
I am feeling impatient to find more meaningful and remunerative work.
What's to come in my next essay? I've been talking in person with other ADHD folks. While I am neither inclined nor at liberty to share their stories I am happy and willing to share what my thoughts and feelings have been.
Goodnight all and if you live in the US (East and South) bundle up. It's getting very snow out there.
Not at all.
I'm feeling quite resilient. Less than 20 hours after receiving my rejection email and I've already been in contact with the woman who recommended me for this job. She's expressed her thought that there are lots of jobs out there for me in the arts and we can find them (or create them ourselves). Considering this woman founded an arts organization that continues to thrive after almost twenty years in existence, I'm inclined to stick close to and learn from her.
I am feeling impatient to find more meaningful and remunerative work.
What's to come in my next essay? I've been talking in person with other ADHD folks. While I am neither inclined nor at liberty to share their stories I am happy and willing to share what my thoughts and feelings have been.
Goodnight all and if you live in the US (East and South) bundle up. It's getting very snow out there.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Productivity and Me
This week has not been particularly productive. I have so much to do for this music festival that I am most definitely experiencing mental paralysis. I'm stuck on the task of making this iphoto video and it ends up preventing me from giving my time to other music festival goals. It needn't. Though the video needs to be done soon there are plenty of other tasks upon which I could focus. My fantasty: to get lost, in the best sense of that word, in a project.
But back to reality...
My challenge, as always, is the toxic mental paralysis that overwhelms me when I contemplate the empty hours in front of me and the (seemingly) endless tasks that SHOULD be done, tasks that have no form, structure or boundaries in my brain. Yesterday I actually had HOURS to work but the thought of sitting down and working on them filled me with the very typical (for me) feeling of the empty infinity, the sureness of failure that burrows into my bones. Once that heaviness has set in it's nearly impossible (at least for the time being) to reverse the process. Needless to say, I slept two full hours and then watched at least four hours of, "Sherlock."
So what must I do to avoid this issue because surely it will come up again and again:
Today is better. I received some good advice and I'm not feeling at all sleepy.
On a final note, my interview last week when really well. My interviewer and I talked for over an hour. He even asked me, "how do you organize yourself ?" And I was able to give him an answer based entirely on the music festival from last year. He seemed very pleased. I should have an answer within the week.
But back to reality...
My challenge, as always, is the toxic mental paralysis that overwhelms me when I contemplate the empty hours in front of me and the (seemingly) endless tasks that SHOULD be done, tasks that have no form, structure or boundaries in my brain. Yesterday I actually had HOURS to work but the thought of sitting down and working on them filled me with the very typical (for me) feeling of the empty infinity, the sureness of failure that burrows into my bones. Once that heaviness has set in it's nearly impossible (at least for the time being) to reverse the process. Needless to say, I slept two full hours and then watched at least four hours of, "Sherlock."
So what must I do to avoid this issue because surely it will come up again and again:
- Give myself a deadline for the video that is connected to another person. That is, "I commit to showing the video to Jane Doe by Feb. 15th."
- When I feel the lethargy coming on commit to working on something in five minute increments.
- Go outside and walk for 20 minutes. Hell, 10 minutes!!
- Phone a friend and have them yell benevolently in my ear.
Today is better. I received some good advice and I'm not feeling at all sleepy.
On a final note, my interview last week when really well. My interviewer and I talked for over an hour. He even asked me, "how do you organize yourself ?" And I was able to give him an answer based entirely on the music festival from last year. He seemed very pleased. I should have an answer within the week.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Broken Dolls
It's been a very satisfying and interesting week. I'm making connections with other ADHD adults and sharing notes, keeping up with exercising in a realistic and very enjoyable way and am interviewing for a job tomorrow, a job that isn't waiting tables and IS in the arts. Next month I'll be meeting up for coffee with a woman who happened to mention to our mutual music instructor that she is ADHD. As life moves ever so slowly in the direction that I desire, I measure the change in small increments.
One such small example is that I always have the necessary quarters to do laundry, unlike before when I either didn't have the actual money or didn't think to collect quarters until the laundry had built up. Another such change is my ability to get more and more done each day without it feeling like a dreadfully boring task or that the weight of all of infinity is laying out in front of me to confront.
Don't get me wrong, I very much still struggle. I've made only a tiny bit of headway in creating an audio slideshow using iPhoto. I still can't figure out if I can upload it to YouTube. Technology, I love you but you are a bitch. Additionally, I've made very little headway in creating this second music festival and it's nearly the end of January. That said, I have a bit more faith that I'll do what needs to be done and it will get done well.
Why the title, "Broken Dolls?" Meeting a number of adults roughly my age and talking about our shared employment, depression, relationship, you-name-it issues has been like coming home.
We're all broken dolls but you're my broken dolls.
One such small example is that I always have the necessary quarters to do laundry, unlike before when I either didn't have the actual money or didn't think to collect quarters until the laundry had built up. Another such change is my ability to get more and more done each day without it feeling like a dreadfully boring task or that the weight of all of infinity is laying out in front of me to confront.
Don't get me wrong, I very much still struggle. I've made only a tiny bit of headway in creating an audio slideshow using iPhoto. I still can't figure out if I can upload it to YouTube. Technology, I love you but you are a bitch. Additionally, I've made very little headway in creating this second music festival and it's nearly the end of January. That said, I have a bit more faith that I'll do what needs to be done and it will get done well.
Why the title, "Broken Dolls?" Meeting a number of adults roughly my age and talking about our shared employment, depression, relationship, you-name-it issues has been like coming home.
We're all broken dolls but you're my broken dolls.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Music Festival - Round II
Hello Readers, ADHD and not so.
If you've been a regular reader of my blog you know that last year I used this space to process my experience of producing my own music festival in the context ADHD challenges. While it had it's very difficult moments, the entire experiment, music and blog, were a resounding success.
I am now into the second year of the festival and with that comes even more details but much more public support and buzz around the entire event. This second festival will be happening Saturday, May 17th, 2014.
Along with writing about it here I'll also be pondering changing jobs. I have an interview coming up to work as a programming coordinator with an arts organization. It's very satisfying to know that I would never have applied for (nor, I believe, caught the attention of the organization) had not created last year's festival.
I am becoming alarmingly optimistic in my endeavors.
If you've been a regular reader of my blog you know that last year I used this space to process my experience of producing my own music festival in the context ADHD challenges. While it had it's very difficult moments, the entire experiment, music and blog, were a resounding success.
I am now into the second year of the festival and with that comes even more details but much more public support and buzz around the entire event. This second festival will be happening Saturday, May 17th, 2014.
Along with writing about it here I'll also be pondering changing jobs. I have an interview coming up to work as a programming coordinator with an arts organization. It's very satisfying to know that I would never have applied for (nor, I believe, caught the attention of the organization) had not created last year's festival.
I am becoming alarmingly optimistic in my endeavors.
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