The fact that this essay is four days late or three days early depending on your point of view and that I've started it no less than four times shows at least to me what kind of state my brain is in these days. I'm doing my best to not make this a bitch session so I'll make the bitching short and sweet: work has been difficult, as in not particularly profitable, I continue to fuck up my schedule more than is acceptable and I'm in a bit depressive state at the moment.
I've been here a million times before. I know that I can't isolate myself so I'll be going for a power walk in a few minutes to get those endorphins flowing and also I'll honor the commitment I made to see my niece's school musical, "Annie."
It's been a very hard month. The steady and occasionally overhwelming work of the music festival has been very good for me. It's provided thoughts outside of myself that I've greatly needed when it would have been much easier to lay in bed with the shades drawn.
I still isolate too much, don't ask for help often enough and still far too often lose my sense of self to a global sense of shame. This blog, though, keeps me on track to some unstated goal that is outside of myself, which is very much where I need to be when feeling so down.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
A Month and a Day Away
Yes, the festival is 32 days away!!
What have I learned this week about music festival planning in the context of Adult ADHD? That some things are as easy as pie for me and other things inordinately difficult. One VERY difficult task is planning ahead. I give myself a B this go round; however I often don't see what needs to be done or needs to have been done until the clarity that fear brings makes it so. This is NOT the way I'd like to live my life.
I've been thinking a lot about time sense, or rather possessing a misguided or altered sense of time. You can read more about it here. I've certainly struggled with it my whole life. Unless I have the adreneline of a close deadline or life catastrophe looming, I have a terrible time planning ahead. Without that adreneline surge based on real fear, it's very difficult to get myself moving on relatively mundane tasks.
My choice often feels like I must choose between sloth and fear based action. My point here is just to observe that this is a huge struggle for me and one with terrible consequences. There are ways to address this issue and I'm working on them.
More next week.
What have I learned this week about music festival planning in the context of Adult ADHD? That some things are as easy as pie for me and other things inordinately difficult. One VERY difficult task is planning ahead. I give myself a B this go round; however I often don't see what needs to be done or needs to have been done until the clarity that fear brings makes it so. This is NOT the way I'd like to live my life.
I've been thinking a lot about time sense, or rather possessing a misguided or altered sense of time. You can read more about it here. I've certainly struggled with it my whole life. Unless I have the adreneline of a close deadline or life catastrophe looming, I have a terrible time planning ahead. Without that adreneline surge based on real fear, it's very difficult to get myself moving on relatively mundane tasks.
My choice often feels like I must choose between sloth and fear based action. My point here is just to observe that this is a huge struggle for me and one with terrible consequences. There are ways to address this issue and I'm working on them.
More next week.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Martinis, Cocktails and Tears
No, it's not what you think. This is no drinking sob story.
I've mentioned in previous posts that I work as a waitress. What I lack in precision and timely menu recall I make up for in good attitude and an ability to wait on difficult or downright odd customers.
For the past month, I've known that I would be tested on ten new cocktails that debuted this past week. I put off studying for it until almost the last possible moment. Why, because I hate studying for things that don't inherently interest me. In fact, I have a hard time even doing the latter. I get paralyzingly bored.
In a nutshell this test was my nightmare. Servers were told that if they didn't pass the test they wouldn't be put on the schedule until they did, which strikes me as very third world, but that's for another essay.
I studied for about two hours - writing out the recipes, glasses, garnishes and mixers. I spoke the recipes out loud, I drew pictures and made stories that ideally could help me with recall. That helped some but not enough. I didn't pass the first go-round. I called my mother in tears yesterday and asked her to come over to help me work through these drinks. Being the awesome Mom she is, she came over and spent about two and a half hours with me. I felt both overwhelmed by this dumb test and angry that my ability to pay rent came down to a test that was proving extremely difficult to pass.
I took the test yesterday and was added to the schedule. I don't know what my score was nor do I really care.
It's moments like these that can derail anyone with a processing disorder. You know you're smart. I know I'm smart but I don't trust trust my brain often enough to present the information to me when I need it most.
So that's where I am.
Music festival planning bumps and starts and rolls along. More on that next week.
I've mentioned in previous posts that I work as a waitress. What I lack in precision and timely menu recall I make up for in good attitude and an ability to wait on difficult or downright odd customers.
For the past month, I've known that I would be tested on ten new cocktails that debuted this past week. I put off studying for it until almost the last possible moment. Why, because I hate studying for things that don't inherently interest me. In fact, I have a hard time even doing the latter. I get paralyzingly bored.
In a nutshell this test was my nightmare. Servers were told that if they didn't pass the test they wouldn't be put on the schedule until they did, which strikes me as very third world, but that's for another essay.
I studied for about two hours - writing out the recipes, glasses, garnishes and mixers. I spoke the recipes out loud, I drew pictures and made stories that ideally could help me with recall. That helped some but not enough. I didn't pass the first go-round. I called my mother in tears yesterday and asked her to come over to help me work through these drinks. Being the awesome Mom she is, she came over and spent about two and a half hours with me. I felt both overwhelmed by this dumb test and angry that my ability to pay rent came down to a test that was proving extremely difficult to pass.
I took the test yesterday and was added to the schedule. I don't know what my score was nor do I really care.
It's moments like these that can derail anyone with a processing disorder. You know you're smart. I know I'm smart but I don't trust trust my brain often enough to present the information to me when I need it most.
So that's where I am.
Music festival planning bumps and starts and rolls along. More on that next week.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Another Essay Lite
I have lots of good things going on right now but the excitement is tempered by financial stress, nothing new to the ADHD adult. I've written about my personal challenges with financial organization and it's something I want to face head one, especially now that I feel a greater sense of hope about the trajectory of my life than ever before.
However, right now I am completely exhausted from waiting tables, something that can be fun but also something I look forward to never doing again someday soon.
On that note, I bid everyone a goodnight.
However, right now I am completely exhausted from waiting tables, something that can be fun but also something I look forward to never doing again someday soon.
On that note, I bid everyone a goodnight.
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