Help! My Eyes are Bleeding!! Navigating Google +

Agh, the nightmare of navigating google+... or any social media settings.

All I want is a private blog that notifies my readers when I publish an essay, which at a minimum, is every Tuesday, by the way.  When I finally sat to read about creating a blog, I started with Wordpress.   What a fucking labyrinthine, rabbit warren of a corn maze of neverending alleys, byways and wormholes of information.  There are people out there for whom navigating these sites is intuitive, even dare I say, pleasurable. I would rather find something that makes my eyes bleed. 


An hour and desperate phone call later to my computer savvy BFF, I'd found Google's Blogger.  Simpler? For sure.  Yet, still a struggle for me.  

So I start my blog but soon figure out that Google really doesn't want me there on Blogger.  So passe'.  No it's all about Google +.  OK, I'm game.  I want my blog and won't be cowed by technology.   They want you on Google+ sharing, sharing, sharing!!

I soon find myself in a mess of "circles" and "sharing" and the worst, "default public settings."  NO, I don't want this!!  Writing about my ADHD is difficult and vulnerable and I don't want anyone but of my choosing to be able to access it.  I love my family and friends but I'm not ready to share this.  

I'm proud to say that I did manage to create an "ADHD Essays" blog circle and have made it private.  Not only that, I've hidden who is on that list from public viewing.  

If you see otherwise, let me know.

Oy.  

The Dreaded Employment Search also known as, "I just wanna be me!!!"

I mentioned in my first posting that I've been fired from some jobs. The following job wasn't one of those but came pretty close.  I quit before that happened.  Years ago I worked at an arts organization where I was in charge of a huge database of arts and music presenters that had to be organized in Excel, at least I think it was Excel... it was something with boxes and grids that represented time and space.   I'll leave the description to that.

This was the job, in Spring of 2000, where I said to my therapist, to paraphrase, "my depression is well taken care of but there is something else going on."  I COULD NOT get myself to make heads or tales of that database, nor could I stay awake to get close focusing on the task.  It was excruciating.   Not only could I not get my brain to organize to do the required work, I didn't really want to.  I found sitting at that desk intensely...actively... boring. Even with that said, I've too often felt the compulsion to GET BETTER AT THINGS I SUCK AT!!

Every day I see people who kinda, sorta hate their jobs but manage to do ok or even well at them.  They earn money this way, they vacation, they go out to restaurants where they bitch about their jobs.  THEY HAVE MONEY.  Thus my dilemma. They may hate their jobs but they can pay at least some of their bills and enjoy of modicum of respect in society.  I wish I could fake better than I do.  I really, really do.  Rant done.

Now I want to focus on the positive:  Here are some of my strengths:

1. Fantastic public speaker
2. Natural teacher
3. Engaging performer
4. Good writer
5. Work as a team member
6. Strong voice with great variety
7. Outspoken when necessary 

In looking to the future and trying-oh-so-hard to not be burdened by the past I focus on what I do well, which is what the above list is about.  The more natural fit for me is a performer-teacher- nurturer- speaker and-collaborator.  NOT a desk jockey.

Music Study and Me

Here is a list of instruments I've started and been unable stick to in order of attempt:

1. Drums
2. Clarinet
3. Violin
4. Piano
5. Ukulele

Voice is the one instrument in which I've had some success in sticking to and of moving beyond a beginner's knowledge, but truthfully, even this has been a huge struggle.  Working on any instrument on my own becomes a fight against sleepiness. In turn that sleepiness leads to an inability to notice patterns, which to my mind, is a hallmark of attaining any kind of proficiency in, well, anything.  

The trouble is I am most definitely a musician by nature.  For example, my heart warmed and broke a bit when one day looking through old report cards, I noticed that my kindergarten teacher wrote that my five year old self came alive when the piano teacher came to perform in class.  Oh, to see that little self!!  She still exists.  My deepest connections are with other musicians. I am most alive when on stage or rehearsing.  Yet, I am left unfulfilled.  Many of my friends have MA's and DMA's in music and play at levels I only dream about.  I crave proficiency in a melodic instrument.  My job struggles are such that I can't afford lessons but even when I could my lessons would occasionally (often) end in tears of frustration regarding my sleepiness.  My very understanding teacher would be a wonderful listener but neither of us knew or knows the answer to overcoming this lack of attention or of maintaining flow in practice. Additionally, until I have health insurance again, ADHD medication is not an option.

Are any of my readers musicians?  If so, what has worked for you to attain knowledge and build upon it?

Discipline

I've been thinking a lot about the word "discipline" lately.  It can be a cruel word in the context of ADHD.  Searching for internally-generated discipline can feel like walking around in a black room that changes shape.  Not only that, in my experience, I can manage to find some measure of discipline or linear thinking and still manage to make a whopper of a mistake.  A few years ago I did nearly everything beautifully right to get myself to my flight on time but still managed to miss the plane because I was waiting at the wrong gate.  The airlines' name were similar and I just didn't pick up on it until it was too late.  Not only that I lost track of time while waiting for the plane so when I finally realized my error the plane had already been gone for only five minutes.  Five minutes!  Commence tears and shame. 

So back to discipline.  See this definition.  I'm struck by discipline meaning bringing order and control to a situation.  There's so much between that state and my brain I practically get dizzy thinking about it.  Actually what it really makes me feel is demoralized. 

For many, focus means cutting a clear path:  I set my sights on that goal, lay out the plan and over a span of time to varying degrees of success, internal and external, I complete that goal.  Except for very rare times, accomplishing goals eludes my grasp.

I equate my relationship to focus as it is to fog.  I see it in the distance, it mostly disappears up close but, occasionally, I look down and droplets of it will appear on me but soon enough it evaporates. 

I write this moderately meandering essay in the context of my awareness that I still want a voice over business.  I'm not sure owning my own business is right or possible for me but many aspect of this work appeal to me.  I'm still trying to answer this question before I dive in again. 

What do you think, dear readers, of discipline?   

Let Me Introduce Myself…

I am a 41 year old single woman who was diagnosed as ADHD in my early thirties. That and depression have been the primary struggles in my life and I am tired of it.

Thus this blog.

I’ve held tons of jobs since college: counselor to the developmentally disabled, waitress, bartender, B&B receptionist, music school receptionist and briefly, psychiatric counselor. Been fired from some jobs, got bored of others. I graduated from college with degrees in English and French. Hell, I even lived in France for my junior year of college but career success has eluded me. I get overwhelmed by paperwork, suffer anxiety, boredom and/or sleepiness when I attempt to focus. 
 
This struggle has gone on my entire life. It’s brutal on my self esteem and my hopes for the future. Setting long terms goals feels like an impossibility. For example…

I worked with an extraordinary voice coach/accompanist for four years in the hopes of recording an album together and it came to nothing. Outside of becoming an infinitely better singer, the project faded away. 

Next I worked in fits and starts to create my own voice over business, but this went nowhere too. This one hurts more as my parents generously helped fund this dream.  I felt total and complete overwhelm. I could not get myself to sit at my computer to work on it. My will and my brain could not get in sync.

So this is where I am. 

I am very nervous putting my struggles out there but I feel compelled to do so to get them out of my head and onto paper, so to speak.   My other motivation is this: I am perpetually inspired by people who put their vulnerability on the table.  They face their fears and see what lies past them. I want to be one of those people.