Discipline

I've been thinking a lot about the word "discipline" lately.  It can be a cruel word in the context of ADHD.  Searching for internally-generated discipline can feel like walking around in a black room that changes shape.  Not only that, in my experience, I can manage to find some measure of discipline or linear thinking and still manage to make a whopper of a mistake.  A few years ago I did nearly everything beautifully right to get myself to my flight on time but still managed to miss the plane because I was waiting at the wrong gate.  The airlines' name were similar and I just didn't pick up on it until it was too late.  Not only that I lost track of time while waiting for the plane so when I finally realized my error the plane had already been gone for only five minutes.  Five minutes!  Commence tears and shame. 

So back to discipline.  See this definition.  I'm struck by discipline meaning bringing order and control to a situation.  There's so much between that state and my brain I practically get dizzy thinking about it.  Actually what it really makes me feel is demoralized. 

For many, focus means cutting a clear path:  I set my sights on that goal, lay out the plan and over a span of time to varying degrees of success, internal and external, I complete that goal.  Except for very rare times, accomplishing goals eludes my grasp.

I equate my relationship to focus as it is to fog.  I see it in the distance, it mostly disappears up close but, occasionally, I look down and droplets of it will appear on me but soon enough it evaporates. 

I write this moderately meandering essay in the context of my awareness that I still want a voice over business.  I'm not sure owning my own business is right or possible for me but many aspect of this work appeal to me.  I'm still trying to answer this question before I dive in again. 

What do you think, dear readers, of discipline?