For those who didn't take Latin in high school, in medias res, means "in the middle of things." This is exactly where things are regarding the music festival. I have lots ADHD thoughts burbling in my brain but which aren't quite ready to be put into an essay.
That said, regarding the music festival I have sent out an email to a music aquaintance to be on my very informal committee and she has answered yes. I am at the point where I can't possibly do all that needs to be done for the festival (and lordy, nor would I want to). Oddly enough I am finding it really difficult to ask people to volunteer their time for me, though this is exactly what I am doing with my time. I think as multiple tasks pile up that require organizational, sequential and logical thinking, I start to mentally check out (but I really can't this time). I don't feel toxically stressed about this, just aware that a bit of courage on my part will be required.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Future Tense
My music festival doesn't happen until May 18th but I'm already thinking about what project I will do next and how I'll use this blog. Let me state here and now writing this blog has been life changing for me. First off, I don't think I could have put together such an ambitious project as a music festival without the narrative that writing these essays has given to me. Dare I say that writing has become necessary to a deeper understanding of my life and life in general?
What I've learned so far in putting together this festival, well, are many things: I have a talent for connecting with people and of connecting people to each other, I speak well to groups (that's no surprise though, I love the stage) and I know how and whom to ask for help when I seek advice or guidance, you name it.
What have I learned about my ADHD over the past few months? What I'm learning about my brain is nothing that can't be found in many ADHD books but it's been satisfying and painful to pinpoint my particular struggles in the context of what I want to do with my life.
I've become more acutely, objectively aware, of how high my brain revs. Sometimes this is a fantastic thing for endeavors such as racing cars or performing on stage. For more medium energy, focused and sequential thinking, like say, learning a musical instrument, it's a nightmare and nearly useless. Below is how I experience life much of the time:
The desire to learn a musical instrument has never dimmed in me. I don't think it ever will nor would I want it to. My next blog may be about doing just that- learning an instrument.
Anywhooo, this is where I am.
What I've learned so far in putting together this festival, well, are many things: I have a talent for connecting with people and of connecting people to each other, I speak well to groups (that's no surprise though, I love the stage) and I know how and whom to ask for help when I seek advice or guidance, you name it.
What have I learned about my ADHD over the past few months? What I'm learning about my brain is nothing that can't be found in many ADHD books but it's been satisfying and painful to pinpoint my particular struggles in the context of what I want to do with my life.
I've become more acutely, objectively aware, of how high my brain revs. Sometimes this is a fantastic thing for endeavors such as racing cars or performing on stage. For more medium energy, focused and sequential thinking, like say, learning a musical instrument, it's a nightmare and nearly useless. Below is how I experience life much of the time:
The desire to learn a musical instrument has never dimmed in me. I don't think it ever will nor would I want it to. My next blog may be about doing just that- learning an instrument.
Anywhooo, this is where I am.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Amidst a Swirl of Details Some Joy to be Found
To update you dear readers on music festival planning and the ADHD mind: things are going pretty well. Here's what I've gotten done over the past few weeks:
- Launched my Indiegogo campaign (not without some delays and stress but launched it was!).
- Spoke at a county council meeting to let the town leadership know about the festival. They seemed receptive.
- Designed the flyer that will hopefully solicit a few front porches on which acoustic bands will play.
- Sent out a request to the people I trust to help me select and organize music and front porches. Got back a fabulous response, by the way. The people whose help I desired stepped up to the plate. Offering to make dinner didn't hurt either.
- Got permission to set up a booth at my local farmer's market.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Reflections on Young Life with Depression
I have always felt shame. Always. For taking up space. For successes, failures, ambition, lack of ambition, you get the picture.
Last month I was watching my once-a-year football game with my family when I saw my 12 year old niece texting with various friends and I teased her about her lack of focus on the game. Something occurred to me, however, as I watched her; I saw that she possesses a happiness and more importantly, a resiliency that I never possessed at her age or even sensed in myself until recently. Only in the past few years have I found or forged in myself the toughness that one needs to weather the joys and pain of life.
I usually date the onset of my depression from age 20 (going until about 34) with a pre-depressive episode in my junior year of high school. Watching my niece though, I wonder about the extreme sensitivity I had always felt. How easily I cried. How easily I felt shame. All hallmarks of depression.
Perhaps I am looking for an excuse for my lack of bravery and creativity, for my profound inability to get close to people in any healthy way when younger. This could be. What I do know is that sense of wonder, excitement and joy that I see in my niece was rarely mine to have when I was her age.
So I'm letting my heart break a bit today for time and experiences lost but I'm also glad to feel a sense of understanding about why I was the way I was.
Last month I was watching my once-a-year football game with my family when I saw my 12 year old niece texting with various friends and I teased her about her lack of focus on the game. Something occurred to me, however, as I watched her; I saw that she possesses a happiness and more importantly, a resiliency that I never possessed at her age or even sensed in myself until recently. Only in the past few years have I found or forged in myself the toughness that one needs to weather the joys and pain of life.
I usually date the onset of my depression from age 20 (going until about 34) with a pre-depressive episode in my junior year of high school. Watching my niece though, I wonder about the extreme sensitivity I had always felt. How easily I cried. How easily I felt shame. All hallmarks of depression.
Perhaps I am looking for an excuse for my lack of bravery and creativity, for my profound inability to get close to people in any healthy way when younger. This could be. What I do know is that sense of wonder, excitement and joy that I see in my niece was rarely mine to have when I was her age.
So I'm letting my heart break a bit today for time and experiences lost but I'm also glad to feel a sense of understanding about why I was the way I was.
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