Hello Dear Readers!
After a few months off and reflecting on what I'd like to do next with this blog, some answers have come to me. The next goal I am looking square in the face is overcoming what I call, "soporific ennui." More on what that means in a moment.
An ADHD friend of mine recently recommended the book, "Scattered" by Gabor Mate', and after reading many ADHD themed books, this is the one that has resonated the most for me. Why this is so will be answered in the next few essays.
Lets get to it:
One quote (amongst so many) that struck me as I read, Scattered is, “a powerful ennui and drowsiness would come over me whenever I opened [my mother’s] diary...It must have evoked painful emotions I was not prepared to re-experience on the conscious level” pg. 88-89. This powerful ennui and drowsiness feels like my everest; paying bills, working on music, planning long term (with short term goals in between), cleaning and so much more. What is ennui? From Merriam-Webster, “a lack of spirit, enthusiasm, or interest.” I would add disconnect. I cannot connect whatever present action I am doing to a future goal.
Another accurate descriptive word is soporific: “tending to induce drowsiness or sleep, also sedative, calmative, tranquilizer, narcotic, opiate.” Paradoxically another word that describes that space is, “wordless.” For someone who craves words and revels in narrative, it’s a funny place for me to be.
It is this space of abandon and vulnerability that I resist letting people see or enter into. I think because I haven’t figured out how to resist or avoid altogether this ennui. In that space I am worthless. I give up nor can I find the tools to get out of the space. Not only am I NOT solving the problem in front of me, I am totally wrapped up in keeping my brain on. How to explain that to people in the moment?
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Pause.
I am making official what has already been happening. I am putting the blog on pause to regroup and think about what I'd like to do with it. I've kept this space clear for my writing and my writing only and that's been right for me. Now this blog wants to grow. I want it to grow. I'd like to include links to ADHD books and blogs that I find worth reading and sharing. More challenges. More sitting still and reading difficult, labrynthine directions.
Good things have come from writing these essays for the past eleven months. I couldn't have produced a music festival without the emotional and organization outlet that this space has given me. Writing about ADHD has allowed me to become very specific about where my challenges lie (or is it lay?!) and how I articulate them to medical professionals. That's been invaluable. Lastly, I've more fully realized something I've always known on some level, I love writing.
So I am off but plan on returning.
Thank you for reading.
Good things have come from writing these essays for the past eleven months. I couldn't have produced a music festival without the emotional and organization outlet that this space has given me. Writing about ADHD has allowed me to become very specific about where my challenges lie (or is it lay?!) and how I articulate them to medical professionals. That's been invaluable. Lastly, I've more fully realized something I've always known on some level, I love writing.
So I am off but plan on returning.
Thank you for reading.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Medical Update
My apologies for not writing last week. Anything that I feel compelled to write about these days
feels more like a journal entry and has the flavor of
not-yet-ready-for-public-consumption.
Onto the medical update. My therapist and prescribing doctor both felt that my antidepressant needed to be doubled. So we did that and after a week or so of 150mg of Effexor rather than 75mg, I do note that I feel lighter in mood in the mornings. Regarding ADHD medications, my doctor and I will examine that possible option at an appointment early next month.
As an aside about which I''ll write more later, for those who have followed my blog, you'll know that I successfully produced my own music festival this year, which I created to directly challenge my ADHD. Recently I met with representatives of a high end grocery store chain that is very interested in helping to sponsor next year's festival. The best moment of the meeting? When they asked me what my wish list is for next year.
More soon.
Onto the medical update. My therapist and prescribing doctor both felt that my antidepressant needed to be doubled. So we did that and after a week or so of 150mg of Effexor rather than 75mg, I do note that I feel lighter in mood in the mornings. Regarding ADHD medications, my doctor and I will examine that possible option at an appointment early next month.
As an aside about which I''ll write more later, for those who have followed my blog, you'll know that I successfully produced my own music festival this year, which I created to directly challenge my ADHD. Recently I met with representatives of a high end grocery store chain that is very interested in helping to sponsor next year's festival. The best moment of the meeting? When they asked me what my wish list is for next year.
More soon.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Guanfacine
Guanfacine is a "symphatholitic, selective receptor agonist." Should you be interested to read more about it in friendly prose click on the link above. In short it, "may treat ADHD by affecting the part of the brain that controls attention and impulsivity." Not exactly words of confidence but I'm willing to try it.
I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday this week where I will discuss this drug option with her. I'm not so much worried about whether or not I will get a prescription but more as to whether I will be able to afford the drug. I have my coupons and a drug discount card. We'll see what happens. I'm very determined to try different drugs to hep find focus.
I remain aware that trying drugs is trial and error. This search could take months and months. Perhaps the right drug is out there for me. Perhaps it doesn't exist. Perhaps my miracle pill does.
I remain cautiously optimistic.
I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday this week where I will discuss this drug option with her. I'm not so much worried about whether or not I will get a prescription but more as to whether I will be able to afford the drug. I have my coupons and a drug discount card. We'll see what happens. I'm very determined to try different drugs to hep find focus.
I remain aware that trying drugs is trial and error. This search could take months and months. Perhaps the right drug is out there for me. Perhaps it doesn't exist. Perhaps my miracle pill does.
I remain cautiously optimistic.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Squirrel
For those who have seen the movie, "Up", the Squirrel! scenes perfectly embody the distractibility of the ADHD mind. These days, without the over-arching goal of the music festival that guided my life in the first part of the year, I find myself torn in a thousand directions, none of them particularly satisfying.
One direction though that has been satisfying is making a conscious choice to read more books again. I say again because before I purchased a laptop and then a smartphone, which can be carried to bed, I used to read book after book in my late twenties and well into my thirties. Not that the number is the important part in the equation but I do remark that I don't read the way I used to. For me it's important to read something in book form or at least on a device that isn't connected to into the internet. After a few moments away from my device and into my book, I find that my mind calms and I am carried away in the way that any reader hopes for. Our (as in human beings) relationship with the internet is a lifelong struggle (First World problem I know but there it is). We have to make conscious decisions whether or not we want to take vacations like these. For those with an already compromised attention span, the internet can be terribly addictive drug.
Last night I finished the book, Elegy for Iris, a beautiful memoir of 40 year + marriage of two English intellecuals. In that book I took trips to Wales, Italy, England, amongst other countries and I went swimming in ponds, rivers and oceans. Even better, I found a truly lovely solitude that the internet doesn't offer to me.
In my experience the difference between reading on the internet and reading a book is night and day. The former, while fun, addictive and very often informative (but often full of junk info too) stresses my mind. The latter calms my mind and brings into focus an experience that is all mine for the enjoying.
One direction though that has been satisfying is making a conscious choice to read more books again. I say again because before I purchased a laptop and then a smartphone, which can be carried to bed, I used to read book after book in my late twenties and well into my thirties. Not that the number is the important part in the equation but I do remark that I don't read the way I used to. For me it's important to read something in book form or at least on a device that isn't connected to into the internet. After a few moments away from my device and into my book, I find that my mind calms and I am carried away in the way that any reader hopes for. Our (as in human beings) relationship with the internet is a lifelong struggle (First World problem I know but there it is). We have to make conscious decisions whether or not we want to take vacations like these. For those with an already compromised attention span, the internet can be terribly addictive drug.
Last night I finished the book, Elegy for Iris, a beautiful memoir of 40 year + marriage of two English intellecuals. In that book I took trips to Wales, Italy, England, amongst other countries and I went swimming in ponds, rivers and oceans. Even better, I found a truly lovely solitude that the internet doesn't offer to me.
In my experience the difference between reading on the internet and reading a book is night and day. The former, while fun, addictive and very often informative (but often full of junk info too) stresses my mind. The latter calms my mind and brings into focus an experience that is all mine for the enjoying.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
As Good as it Gets
I have been in a wonderful therapy group for over 13 years. "Thirteen years?" you exclaim. "How can it be good if you've been in it for thirteen years?" To this I simply answer, you don't just go to the gym for 2-3 years and say, "well, that'll take care of that. I'm good to go for the rest of my life." Joining and committing to this group has been unquestionably one of the most important choices I've made in my life.
This week I spoke about the thought that came to me this week: as I looked at so many of the unfinished projects in my life, I asked "Is this as good as it gets?" Just like the movie of the same name asked. Am I destined to look at the flotsam of projects that got to the B or C stage when they deserved to be taken to X, Y and Z stage?
It's no surprise to me that I've finally asked this. I'm 41 years old, not married (though I'd like to be) and have no children (though I'd like at least one). During my scholastic years, I lived with undiagnosed ADHD (now unmedicated ADHD) and from 20'ish - 34ish, I lived daily with Depression (now successfully medicated). This combination of crapitude (that's the medical term) kept me at barely surviving level for years. I feel like I am finally able to lift my head a bit and look at the big picture in a way that I'd love to have done when younger but I didn't or couldn't. Such is that path that my life has taken.
I reject that this is a good as it gets.
My next step is finding ADHD medication that works for me.
As y'all know, I'll report back.
This week I spoke about the thought that came to me this week: as I looked at so many of the unfinished projects in my life, I asked "Is this as good as it gets?" Just like the movie of the same name asked. Am I destined to look at the flotsam of projects that got to the B or C stage when they deserved to be taken to X, Y and Z stage?
It's no surprise to me that I've finally asked this. I'm 41 years old, not married (though I'd like to be) and have no children (though I'd like at least one). During my scholastic years, I lived with undiagnosed ADHD (now unmedicated ADHD) and from 20'ish - 34ish, I lived daily with Depression (now successfully medicated). This combination of crapitude (that's the medical term) kept me at barely surviving level for years. I feel like I am finally able to lift my head a bit and look at the big picture in a way that I'd love to have done when younger but I didn't or couldn't. Such is that path that my life has taken.
I reject that this is a good as it gets.
My next step is finding ADHD medication that works for me.
As y'all know, I'll report back.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Shame
I'm in one of those moods that is very difficult to get out of. Money is beyond tight and I am utteraly overwhelmed by the task of looking for a new job, ideally a job more closely aligned with who I am (as in working in music education again) and one that offers health insurance. In my current state, I read job descriptions and feel all the ways I would fail rather than succeed...or be desperately unhappy because I would feel such overwhelming, soul crushing anxiety each day at all the work I would have to do (and do well) and know that my brain just won't cooperate no matter the amount of will power applied, like willing blurry eyes to focus using brain power alone.
I've cut and pasted the following list of ADHD characteristics from some ADHD site I was reading and sighed as I read it.
I've cut and pasted the following list of ADHD characteristics from some ADHD site I was reading and sighed as I read it.
- Lack of attention to details/careless mistakes
- Lack of sustained attention
- Poor listener
- Failure to follow through on tasks
- Poor organization
- Avoids tasks requiring sustained mental effort
- Loses things easily
- Distracted
- Forgetful
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Hello Again
Since the completion of the music festival I've felt a mixture of relief, sadness and yes, pride. Relief that this big venture had been successfully completed, sadness that I was back to facing the challenge of moving on from my current job as a waitress (which I never lost sight of, believe me) and pride that I'd finally imagined, planned, worked through and completed a difficult project in which I believed.
What is my next project? There are a few I'm thinking about but in the immediate future it's about finding an ADHD medication that (I hope) helps to relieve the sleepiness that overcomes me when I sit quietly to work, practice music or attempt any kind of long term focusing.
I recently came across a very well paying job that has opened up. It's a job I would never have imagined myself doing before I did the music festival but now at look at it and think, "Possible...very, very possible." That said, without the aid of medication, I'm not sure I can do it.
I've been reading recently about ways to get ADHD meds at a price I can afford. It seems that many corporations actually DO offer some of their meds at a very low cost with the right coupons, it just takes some stick-to-ative-ness in working through the paperwork. it won't be easy but I am determined to try different medications.
What is my next project? There are a few I'm thinking about but in the immediate future it's about finding an ADHD medication that (I hope) helps to relieve the sleepiness that overcomes me when I sit quietly to work, practice music or attempt any kind of long term focusing.
I recently came across a very well paying job that has opened up. It's a job I would never have imagined myself doing before I did the music festival but now at look at it and think, "Possible...very, very possible." That said, without the aid of medication, I'm not sure I can do it.
I've been reading recently about ways to get ADHD meds at a price I can afford. It seems that many corporations actually DO offer some of their meds at a very low cost with the right coupons, it just takes some stick-to-ative-ness in working through the paperwork. it won't be easy but I am determined to try different medications.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Chapter II - The ADHD Brain and Dealing with Finances
This past week I met with a counselor, J, from Money Management International. It could hardly have gone better. I went in with an optimistic though clear eyed attitude and J possessed a perfect mixture of financial savvy, work experience and empathy that I desire. She advised me on what issues to care of first and what can wait a little longer. She said that I was taking care of my finances much better than I thought I was. "You're too hard on yourself! she intoned. "You sound like my therapist," I responded. In spite of that last sentiment, I think in her line of work I was a breath of optimistic air.
Now that I am sitting at home with my list of things to do over the next few days, weeks and months, that familiar malaise, distractability and hardest of all to combat, sleepiness has come over me.
Creating a healthy financial life unfortunately combines so many elements that ADHD minds rebel against:
For me, it's the sleepiness that is the most difficult to combat. I don't have health insurance but J gave me some websites that may be able to help me allay the costs of medications. I want to try some ADHD meds as I just want to be able to sit still for a few hours and work and not have my mind slowly but surely shut off.
In the words of Jon Lovitz as Harvey Feirstein, "Is that so WRONG?!"
Now that I am sitting at home with my list of things to do over the next few days, weeks and months, that familiar malaise, distractability and hardest of all to combat, sleepiness has come over me.
Creating a healthy financial life unfortunately combines so many elements that ADHD minds rebel against:
- Linear thinking
- Quiet, focused work
- The perpetual life long nature of finances.
- Details, details, details
- May require educating oneself on this or that financial issue before even beginning a task, which may require research, which may then cause boredom, overwhelm and paralysis. Gee, what's on Hulu...
For me, it's the sleepiness that is the most difficult to combat. I don't have health insurance but J gave me some websites that may be able to help me allay the costs of medications. I want to try some ADHD meds as I just want to be able to sit still for a few hours and work and not have my mind slowly but surely shut off.
In the words of Jon Lovitz as Harvey Feirstein, "Is that so WRONG?!"
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Taking a Break
Hey Readers, I am taking a little break from my blog while I figure out what my next project is.
I shall return...
I shall return...
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Results Are In...
I won't keep people in suspense any longer (I like to imagine that my music festival is all anyone thought about this weekend), the festival was a resounding success!! I was A-MAZED at how many people came out for a festival that had very little money to publicize itself.
A rainy morning and early afternoon kept my heart firmly in my throat but by about 2:15 (festival ran from 2pm - 6pm) the rain had ended and I began to see some folks out and about.
Some emails comments that warmed this ADHD addled soul:
Wow!! Am giving you a standing ovation for conceiving of, organizing and pulling off such a fantastic event! Loved, loved, loved it.... Jeffrey
Hola Mary Ann. I am more than impressed with what you have accomplished with organizing Takoma Porch! I know it has been an enormous project, with a lot of moving parts -- and you have done an amazing job for someone who has never done anything like this before.... Donna
So I am really happy with how this effort turned out. It was NOT easy but I have to work hard to remember that it was not easy. When people ask me about how I pulled this off, I feel like I'm talking about childbirth (which I've not experienced but Moms tell me so) I don't really remember the pain, I'm just so happy with the result.
A rainy morning and early afternoon kept my heart firmly in my throat but by about 2:15 (festival ran from 2pm - 6pm) the rain had ended and I began to see some folks out and about.
Some emails comments that warmed this ADHD addled soul:
Wow!! Am giving you a standing ovation for conceiving of, organizing and pulling off such a fantastic event! Loved, loved, loved it.... Jeffrey
Hola Mary Ann. I am more than impressed with what you have accomplished with organizing Takoma Porch! I know it has been an enormous project, with a lot of moving parts -- and you have done an amazing job for someone who has never done anything like this before.... Donna
So I am really happy with how this effort turned out. It was NOT easy but I have to work hard to remember that it was not easy. When people ask me about how I pulled this off, I feel like I'm talking about childbirth (which I've not experienced but Moms tell me so) I don't really remember the pain, I'm just so happy with the result.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
50 Hours Away....
The music festival is SO close, the day after tomorrow!!
This week has been about focusing on the details, never an easy task for a brain that kinda, sorta abhors and rebels against sitting down and working through the tiny bits and pieces. I managed to work in fits and starts, breathed deeply at times and thought about the end result of a fantastic music festival to push me forward. Addtionally, I have hundreds of people relying on me to organize and communicate as best as I can. I didn't think about the latter too much but I did allow this reality to pass through my consciousness once in a while to appreciate the moment.
Some friends of mine have reminded me what an accomplishment this is for me (or anyone): that I set a HUGE goal for myself and for better or worse stuck with it. It's difficult for me to let myself think this. Perhaps because I'm just not used to being on this end of an accomplishment is why I'm reacting in this muted fashion (or because the festival is two days ahead of me rather than two days behind). I heard a successful author say recently, to paraphrase, "I realized I had poor self esteem regarding the things I did naturally well." Man, did my ears perk up and know in a moment that this is my case. I think that's part of the reason why it difficult for me to take a moment and be genuinely proud of what I've accomplished. So in that spirit I say...
Creating a music festival from scratch has certainly not been easy and I can now say that, no this is not for everyone. It took a lot of organization (not natural to me) and a ton of good communication and diplomacy (very natural to me). So, yes, I am proud of what I have accomplished and will use the experience and good juju that I've engendered to go forward in my life to move ever closer to the work, people and ideas about whom and which I feel most passionate.
This week has been about focusing on the details, never an easy task for a brain that kinda, sorta abhors and rebels against sitting down and working through the tiny bits and pieces. I managed to work in fits and starts, breathed deeply at times and thought about the end result of a fantastic music festival to push me forward. Addtionally, I have hundreds of people relying on me to organize and communicate as best as I can. I didn't think about the latter too much but I did allow this reality to pass through my consciousness once in a while to appreciate the moment.
Some friends of mine have reminded me what an accomplishment this is for me (or anyone): that I set a HUGE goal for myself and for better or worse stuck with it. It's difficult for me to let myself think this. Perhaps because I'm just not used to being on this end of an accomplishment is why I'm reacting in this muted fashion (or because the festival is two days ahead of me rather than two days behind). I heard a successful author say recently, to paraphrase, "I realized I had poor self esteem regarding the things I did naturally well." Man, did my ears perk up and know in a moment that this is my case. I think that's part of the reason why it difficult for me to take a moment and be genuinely proud of what I've accomplished. So in that spirit I say...
Creating a music festival from scratch has certainly not been easy and I can now say that, no this is not for everyone. It took a lot of organization (not natural to me) and a ton of good communication and diplomacy (very natural to me). So, yes, I am proud of what I have accomplished and will use the experience and good juju that I've engendered to go forward in my life to move ever closer to the work, people and ideas about whom and which I feel most passionate.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Festival Organization & Adult ADHD
No doubt when this festival is all over I will write a big ole' essay on the various triumphs and tragedies and things learned about organization. Thankfully, I am very far, mood-wise, from where I was just a week ago. Oh, the joys of possessing a brain prone to such wide arcs.
I am utterly and completely in the midst of detailed work of putting together musicians and venues. Even writing this essay is taking me away from doing work that I need to be doing NOW but I wanted to fit in an essay and update even if it took 10 minutes away from working. Below is a photo I took this past Sunday working away at my parents' dining room table.
Those are porches and music acts being laid and organized. It took me a long time mentally to get to that point and there was an unacceptable level of anxiety that I experienced for days beforehand but I did indeed arrive at a place of productive work and it was immensely satisfying. I now feel that in just about anything I do where I need to get The Big Picture laying things out on a table is the way to go. Computer screen be damned.
Now back to work.
I am utterly and completely in the midst of detailed work of putting together musicians and venues. Even writing this essay is taking me away from doing work that I need to be doing NOW but I wanted to fit in an essay and update even if it took 10 minutes away from working. Below is a photo I took this past Sunday working away at my parents' dining room table.
Those are porches and music acts being laid and organized. It took me a long time mentally to get to that point and there was an unacceptable level of anxiety that I experienced for days beforehand but I did indeed arrive at a place of productive work and it was immensely satisfying. I now feel that in just about anything I do where I need to get The Big Picture laying things out on a table is the way to go. Computer screen be damned.
Now back to work.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Data, Data and More Data
I'm in a much better space mood wise than I was when I wrote my last essay. A good lunch out with my BFF (and her 42lb puppy) and an evening music session with some new friends has been incredibly good for my spirits. Work is still slow but I can't do anything about that at this moment at this writing.
Regarding Adult ADHD and music festival planning, it's difficult. No two ways about it. I have a massive amount of decently organized material that needs much more decency added to it.
I met with my friend DR yesterday who's an organizing machine. Since I am putting on a festival with approximately 20 venues and 40 music acts, there is MUCH data through which to be sorted. He looked at my information, which I proudly state, IS decently organized and did what I haven't been able to do; looked over everything, saw where gaps remained and created a structure upon which I could fill in these gaps. He did that in the span of about five minutes.
Thank you for friends with brains different than mine.
The festival is only 16 days away.
Regarding Adult ADHD and music festival planning, it's difficult. No two ways about it. I have a massive amount of decently organized material that needs much more decency added to it.
I met with my friend DR yesterday who's an organizing machine. Since I am putting on a festival with approximately 20 venues and 40 music acts, there is MUCH data through which to be sorted. He looked at my information, which I proudly state, IS decently organized and did what I haven't been able to do; looked over everything, saw where gaps remained and created a structure upon which I could fill in these gaps. He did that in the span of about five minutes.
Thank you for friends with brains different than mine.
The festival is only 16 days away.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Weary with a side of Sleepy
The fact that this essay is four days late or three days early depending on your point of view and that I've started it no less than four times shows at least to me what kind of state my brain is in these days. I'm doing my best to not make this a bitch session so I'll make the bitching short and sweet: work has been difficult, as in not particularly profitable, I continue to fuck up my schedule more than is acceptable and I'm in a bit depressive state at the moment.
I've been here a million times before. I know that I can't isolate myself so I'll be going for a power walk in a few minutes to get those endorphins flowing and also I'll honor the commitment I made to see my niece's school musical, "Annie."
It's been a very hard month. The steady and occasionally overhwelming work of the music festival has been very good for me. It's provided thoughts outside of myself that I've greatly needed when it would have been much easier to lay in bed with the shades drawn.
I still isolate too much, don't ask for help often enough and still far too often lose my sense of self to a global sense of shame. This blog, though, keeps me on track to some unstated goal that is outside of myself, which is very much where I need to be when feeling so down.
I've been here a million times before. I know that I can't isolate myself so I'll be going for a power walk in a few minutes to get those endorphins flowing and also I'll honor the commitment I made to see my niece's school musical, "Annie."
It's been a very hard month. The steady and occasionally overhwelming work of the music festival has been very good for me. It's provided thoughts outside of myself that I've greatly needed when it would have been much easier to lay in bed with the shades drawn.
I still isolate too much, don't ask for help often enough and still far too often lose my sense of self to a global sense of shame. This blog, though, keeps me on track to some unstated goal that is outside of myself, which is very much where I need to be when feeling so down.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
A Month and a Day Away
Yes, the festival is 32 days away!!
What have I learned this week about music festival planning in the context of Adult ADHD? That some things are as easy as pie for me and other things inordinately difficult. One VERY difficult task is planning ahead. I give myself a B this go round; however I often don't see what needs to be done or needs to have been done until the clarity that fear brings makes it so. This is NOT the way I'd like to live my life.
I've been thinking a lot about time sense, or rather possessing a misguided or altered sense of time. You can read more about it here. I've certainly struggled with it my whole life. Unless I have the adreneline of a close deadline or life catastrophe looming, I have a terrible time planning ahead. Without that adreneline surge based on real fear, it's very difficult to get myself moving on relatively mundane tasks.
My choice often feels like I must choose between sloth and fear based action. My point here is just to observe that this is a huge struggle for me and one with terrible consequences. There are ways to address this issue and I'm working on them.
More next week.
What have I learned this week about music festival planning in the context of Adult ADHD? That some things are as easy as pie for me and other things inordinately difficult. One VERY difficult task is planning ahead. I give myself a B this go round; however I often don't see what needs to be done or needs to have been done until the clarity that fear brings makes it so. This is NOT the way I'd like to live my life.
I've been thinking a lot about time sense, or rather possessing a misguided or altered sense of time. You can read more about it here. I've certainly struggled with it my whole life. Unless I have the adreneline of a close deadline or life catastrophe looming, I have a terrible time planning ahead. Without that adreneline surge based on real fear, it's very difficult to get myself moving on relatively mundane tasks.
My choice often feels like I must choose between sloth and fear based action. My point here is just to observe that this is a huge struggle for me and one with terrible consequences. There are ways to address this issue and I'm working on them.
More next week.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Martinis, Cocktails and Tears
No, it's not what you think. This is no drinking sob story.
I've mentioned in previous posts that I work as a waitress. What I lack in precision and timely menu recall I make up for in good attitude and an ability to wait on difficult or downright odd customers.
For the past month, I've known that I would be tested on ten new cocktails that debuted this past week. I put off studying for it until almost the last possible moment. Why, because I hate studying for things that don't inherently interest me. In fact, I have a hard time even doing the latter. I get paralyzingly bored.
In a nutshell this test was my nightmare. Servers were told that if they didn't pass the test they wouldn't be put on the schedule until they did, which strikes me as very third world, but that's for another essay.
I studied for about two hours - writing out the recipes, glasses, garnishes and mixers. I spoke the recipes out loud, I drew pictures and made stories that ideally could help me with recall. That helped some but not enough. I didn't pass the first go-round. I called my mother in tears yesterday and asked her to come over to help me work through these drinks. Being the awesome Mom she is, she came over and spent about two and a half hours with me. I felt both overwhelmed by this dumb test and angry that my ability to pay rent came down to a test that was proving extremely difficult to pass.
I took the test yesterday and was added to the schedule. I don't know what my score was nor do I really care.
It's moments like these that can derail anyone with a processing disorder. You know you're smart. I know I'm smart but I don't trust trust my brain often enough to present the information to me when I need it most.
So that's where I am.
Music festival planning bumps and starts and rolls along. More on that next week.
I've mentioned in previous posts that I work as a waitress. What I lack in precision and timely menu recall I make up for in good attitude and an ability to wait on difficult or downright odd customers.
For the past month, I've known that I would be tested on ten new cocktails that debuted this past week. I put off studying for it until almost the last possible moment. Why, because I hate studying for things that don't inherently interest me. In fact, I have a hard time even doing the latter. I get paralyzingly bored.
In a nutshell this test was my nightmare. Servers were told that if they didn't pass the test they wouldn't be put on the schedule until they did, which strikes me as very third world, but that's for another essay.
I studied for about two hours - writing out the recipes, glasses, garnishes and mixers. I spoke the recipes out loud, I drew pictures and made stories that ideally could help me with recall. That helped some but not enough. I didn't pass the first go-round. I called my mother in tears yesterday and asked her to come over to help me work through these drinks. Being the awesome Mom she is, she came over and spent about two and a half hours with me. I felt both overwhelmed by this dumb test and angry that my ability to pay rent came down to a test that was proving extremely difficult to pass.
I took the test yesterday and was added to the schedule. I don't know what my score was nor do I really care.
It's moments like these that can derail anyone with a processing disorder. You know you're smart. I know I'm smart but I don't trust trust my brain often enough to present the information to me when I need it most.
So that's where I am.
Music festival planning bumps and starts and rolls along. More on that next week.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Another Essay Lite
I have lots of good things going on right now but the excitement is tempered by financial stress, nothing new to the ADHD adult. I've written about my personal challenges with financial organization and it's something I want to face head one, especially now that I feel a greater sense of hope about the trajectory of my life than ever before.
However, right now I am completely exhausted from waiting tables, something that can be fun but also something I look forward to never doing again someday soon.
On that note, I bid everyone a goodnight.
However, right now I am completely exhausted from waiting tables, something that can be fun but also something I look forward to never doing again someday soon.
On that note, I bid everyone a goodnight.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
In Medias Res
For those who didn't take Latin in high school, in medias res, means "in the middle of things." This is exactly where things are regarding the music festival. I have lots ADHD thoughts burbling in my brain but which aren't quite ready to be put into an essay.
That said, regarding the music festival I have sent out an email to a music aquaintance to be on my very informal committee and she has answered yes. I am at the point where I can't possibly do all that needs to be done for the festival (and lordy, nor would I want to). Oddly enough I am finding it really difficult to ask people to volunteer their time for me, though this is exactly what I am doing with my time. I think as multiple tasks pile up that require organizational, sequential and logical thinking, I start to mentally check out (but I really can't this time). I don't feel toxically stressed about this, just aware that a bit of courage on my part will be required.
That said, regarding the music festival I have sent out an email to a music aquaintance to be on my very informal committee and she has answered yes. I am at the point where I can't possibly do all that needs to be done for the festival (and lordy, nor would I want to). Oddly enough I am finding it really difficult to ask people to volunteer their time for me, though this is exactly what I am doing with my time. I think as multiple tasks pile up that require organizational, sequential and logical thinking, I start to mentally check out (but I really can't this time). I don't feel toxically stressed about this, just aware that a bit of courage on my part will be required.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Future Tense
My music festival doesn't happen until May 18th but I'm already thinking about what project I will do next and how I'll use this blog. Let me state here and now writing this blog has been life changing for me. First off, I don't think I could have put together such an ambitious project as a music festival without the narrative that writing these essays has given to me. Dare I say that writing has become necessary to a deeper understanding of my life and life in general?
What I've learned so far in putting together this festival, well, are many things: I have a talent for connecting with people and of connecting people to each other, I speak well to groups (that's no surprise though, I love the stage) and I know how and whom to ask for help when I seek advice or guidance, you name it.
What have I learned about my ADHD over the past few months? What I'm learning about my brain is nothing that can't be found in many ADHD books but it's been satisfying and painful to pinpoint my particular struggles in the context of what I want to do with my life.
I've become more acutely, objectively aware, of how high my brain revs. Sometimes this is a fantastic thing for endeavors such as racing cars or performing on stage. For more medium energy, focused and sequential thinking, like say, learning a musical instrument, it's a nightmare and nearly useless. Below is how I experience life much of the time:
The desire to learn a musical instrument has never dimmed in me. I don't think it ever will nor would I want it to. My next blog may be about doing just that- learning an instrument.
Anywhooo, this is where I am.
What I've learned so far in putting together this festival, well, are many things: I have a talent for connecting with people and of connecting people to each other, I speak well to groups (that's no surprise though, I love the stage) and I know how and whom to ask for help when I seek advice or guidance, you name it.
What have I learned about my ADHD over the past few months? What I'm learning about my brain is nothing that can't be found in many ADHD books but it's been satisfying and painful to pinpoint my particular struggles in the context of what I want to do with my life.
I've become more acutely, objectively aware, of how high my brain revs. Sometimes this is a fantastic thing for endeavors such as racing cars or performing on stage. For more medium energy, focused and sequential thinking, like say, learning a musical instrument, it's a nightmare and nearly useless. Below is how I experience life much of the time:
The desire to learn a musical instrument has never dimmed in me. I don't think it ever will nor would I want it to. My next blog may be about doing just that- learning an instrument.
Anywhooo, this is where I am.
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