Shame

I'm in one of those moods that is very difficult to get out of.  Money is beyond tight and I am utteraly overwhelmed by the task of looking for a new job, ideally a job more closely aligned with who I am (as in working in music education again) and one that offers health insurance.  In my current state, I read job descriptions and feel all the ways I would fail rather than succeed...or be desperately unhappy because I would feel such overwhelming, soul crushing anxiety each day at all the work I would have to do (and do well) and know that my brain just won't cooperate no matter the amount of will power applied, like willing blurry eyes to focus using brain power alone.    

I've cut and pasted the following list of ADHD characteristics from some ADHD site I was reading and sighed as I read it. 

• Lack of attention to details/careless mistakes
• Lack of sustained attention
• Poor listener
• Failure to follow through on tasks
• Poor organization
• Avoids tasks requiring sustained mental effort
• Loses things easily 
• Distracted
• Forgetful  

 Yep, I relate to all of them to varying degrees (I must say though that I am a much better listener than I used to be).  The one that strikes me is, "avoids tasks requiring sustained mental effort."  I had to darkly laugh at that.  So much of life requires, "sustained mental effort."  Higher paying jobs require, "sustained mental effort."  It's just that simple.  Until I can figure out how to do this, as in finding a helpful drug that I can access and afford, I don't see how I can earn more and find some peace and pleasure in the sustained mental effort of life's work.