As many ADHD adults know overeating and ADHD often go hand in hand. It's certainly not the whole story as to why I have always struggled with my weight but it's a big contributing factor.
This is the Cliff Notes version of my weight history:
- Ages 5 - 14: Overweight and ending at weighing in 240 at age 14 (at 5ft. 8in).
- Ages 14 - 16 - Went from 240 - 170. Done with the willpower of a young, moderately obsessed teenager. My normal and healthy weight is 170, which you see below in 1993 when I was living in France for my junior year of college.
- Ages 16 - 28: My weight remained steady at 175'ish but ticked up up to 220 or so around 1997, when I stopped working on a farm (read eating well and doing physical work).
Now I measure in years -
- Summer 2001 - Weighed in at 220 and made concerted effort to lose weight. Lost 18 or so pounds.
- 2001 - 2013: Weight steady around 204 give or take a few pounds
- 2013 - 2014: Gained ten pounds steadily to now weight in at 214.
What changed in the past year? Two things: My doctor doubled the antidepressant (venlafaxine - generic Effexor) that I've taken for 13 years from 75mg to 150mg. This was most certainly a good decision. My mood and sense of resiliency has been wonderfully stable this past year. Is it the medication affecting my metabolism or is it my general feeling of resilience and good mood that is leading more overeating than I have done in the past?
I'm not sure of the answer to this but I do feel the need to revisit a weight loss plan. I may never get to 170 again but losing 15 lbs would be a good thing for me on all levels.
The good news is that through all of this I keep myself fit. I do yoga, I bike, I powerwalk. Years ago I realized that fitness need not be connected to what I weigh. In fact I feel that it's imperative that it isn't.
Like any addict, my struggle with my weight has been, is and will be lifelong. This she-demon is always there but working with her and all the things that are better, stronger and more worthy than indulging cravings is what I seek.
Getting Things Done.
This is quite literally all that is ever required in life.
At least this is what it seems to one, myself, who has never been particularly good at nor enjoyed Getting. Things. Done. If you're aren't good at this, a huge price will be paid.
What did I need to get done today? To get my car inspected asap as the previous one had expired yesterday.
The registration had expired in March and thus I couldn't order a new one online until I had gone through and passed the inspection. Why didn't I just go then? Because things cost money and I was just Putting. Things. Off. Also, I've needed for months to replace two brake and turn signal bulbs and also the left side window shield wiper. Without the fixed brake light, the car doesn't pass inspection. Lastly, I wanted to do both of these tasks myself but that takes some focus. Never easy for me.
I delayed and delayed learning how to do both of these things, weeks and months of delaying. Today I HAD to get things done so I went to the coffee shop and watched two YouTube videos that taught me all I needed to know about changing bulbs and wipers. That took about, maybe, half an hour. At the inspection station, there were no cars in line. I was done in 15 minutes, a rare joy indeed. All told, the videos, the repairs, the inspection and the journey to and from took about two hours. Only two !**^&^^% hours. And so many months and months of wasteful lead time.
For the ADHD brain, my brain, few Things. That. Need. Doing. ever feel instrinsically structured and so because of this I either feel no visceral imperative to get things done or I feel everything at once and freeze in motion.
My task today was to accept that I was going to waste $100 of money (the late inspection fee) that had been within my power not to waste but also, and more importantly, to take a few more steps on the path of changing my relationship with the tasks that lay ahead of me, which means to continue to change my perception of time, which until recently was either, Now or Forever. "Now" I can take. "Forever" is impossible.
When I have tasks that feel overwhelming to me (read utterly boring) I escape.
Today I broke down the tasks that needed doing and consciously reminded myself that this or that task would be done well before the sun went down. Additionally, even if my car failed inspection, which it didn't, I would face that challenge when it happened and take it one, two or three steps at a time.
This entire essay brings to inevitably to this question:
What does the ADHD adult or child fear most in this world?
Boredom.
Today I made my tasks more productive and,well, not boring.
For that I am quite happy.
Change is THE WORST. And yet and yet....
I desire change. I'm mentally ready for change but how to earn a half way decent living doing at least some of the things I do really well is still a mystery for me.
I've been doing my best to objectively ask myself, "why do I dread change?"
Here are some answers that I came up with in no particular order.
- Change for me usually equals earning even less money than I make now.
- At least for the last few years, learning restaurant knowledge for a job that, in truth, I don't ever really want.
- The way I've made changes for most of my life tends to not be done is small, healthy doses but in large terrifying not well done leaps.
I've found these ADHD rules-to-live-by quite clarifying. The ideas contained it get me closer to what I'm looking for. To paraphrase, in case reading it is not in the cards for you today:
- Get a better grip on impulse control, whether it be around food, online distractions, or anything that catches my attention.
- Work to have a deeper understanding on how I attempt to solve problems and where my weaknesses trip me up.
- Learn how to delay gratification.
- And lastly and the one that resonates most with me: Learn how to have a better intuitive sense of the future.
People with ADHD tend to be, "time blind." To quote the article cited above, "ADHD makes the future seem far away. A goal that requires a significant
investment of time, incorporates waiting periods, or has to be done in a
sequence of steps, can prove so elusive that you feel overwhelmed. When
that happens, many people with ADHD look for an escape route."
Unfortunately if you're not diagnosed for years, one spends his or her life feeling overwhelmed and looking for an escape route, consciously or unconsciously. I was around 29 when I was diagnosed, well after the school years when I have to imagine it would have been helpful to understand how my brain worked.
But the past is the past and I am looking to the future as best as I can.
