Squirrel

For those who have seen the movie, "Up", the Squirrel! scenes perfectly embody the distractibility of the ADHD mind.  These days, without the over-arching goal of the music festival that guided my life in the first part of the year, I find myself torn in a thousand directions, none of them particularly satisfying.  

One direction though that has been satisfying is making a conscious choice to read more books again.  I say again because before I purchased a laptop and then a smartphone, which can be carried to bed, I used to read book after book in my late twenties and well into my thirties.  Not that the number is the important part in the equation but I do remark that I don't read the way I used to.  For me it's important to read something in book form or at least on a device that isn't connected to into the internet.  After a few moments away from my device and into my book, I find that my mind calms and I am carried away in the way that any reader hopes for.  Our (as in human beings) relationship with the internet is a lifelong struggle (First World problem I know but there it is).  We have to make conscious decisions whether or not we want to take vacations like these.  For those with an already compromised attention span, the internet can be terribly addictive drug. 

Last night I finished the book, Elegy for Iris, a beautiful memoir of 40 year + marriage of two English intellecuals.  In that book I took trips to Wales, Italy, England, amongst other countries and I went swimming in ponds, rivers and oceans. Even better, I found a truly lovely solitude that the internet doesn't offer to me. 

In my experience the difference between reading on the internet and reading a book is night and day.  The former, while fun, addictive and very often informative (but often full of junk info too) stresses my mind.  The latter calms my mind and brings into focus an experience that is all mine for the enjoying.  

As Good as it Gets

I have been in a wonderful therapy group for over 13 years.  "Thirteen years?" you exclaim.  "How can it be good if you've been in it for thirteen years?"  To this I simply answer, you don't just go to the gym for 2-3 years and say, "well, that'll take care of that. I'm good to go for the rest of my life."  Joining and committing to this group has been unquestionably one of the most important choices I've made in my life. 

This week I spoke about the thought that came to me this week: as I looked at so many of the unfinished projects in my life, I asked  "Is this as good as it gets?"  Just like the movie of the same name asked.  Am I destined to look at the flotsam of projects that got to the B or C stage when they deserved to be taken to X, Y and Z stage?

It's no surprise to me that I've finally asked this.  I'm 41 years old, not married (though I'd like to be) and have no children (though I'd like at least one).   During my scholastic years, I lived with undiagnosed ADHD (now unmedicated ADHD) and from 20'ish - 34ish, I lived daily with Depression (now successfully medicated).  This combination of crapitude (that's the medical term) kept me at barely surviving level for years.  I feel like I am finally able to lift my head a bit and look at the big picture in a way that I'd love to have done when younger but I didn't or couldn't.  Such is that path that my life has taken.  

I reject that this is a good as it gets.  
My next step is finding ADHD medication that works for me.  

As y'all know, I'll report back.

Shame

I'm in one of those moods that is very difficult to get out of.  Money is beyond tight and I am utteraly overwhelmed by the task of looking for a new job, ideally a job more closely aligned with who I am (as in working in music education again) and one that offers health insurance.  In my current state, I read job descriptions and feel all the ways I would fail rather than succeed...or be desperately unhappy because I would feel such overwhelming, soul crushing anxiety each day at all the work I would have to do (and do well) and know that my brain just won't cooperate no matter the amount of will power applied, like willing blurry eyes to focus using brain power alone.    

I've cut and pasted the following list of ADHD characteristics from some ADHD site I was reading and sighed as I read it. 

• Lack of attention to details/careless mistakes
• Lack of sustained attention
• Poor listener
• Failure to follow through on tasks
• Poor organization
• Avoids tasks requiring sustained mental effort
• Loses things easily 
• Distracted
• Forgetful  

 Yep, I relate to all of them to varying degrees (I must say though that I am a much better listener than I used to be).  The one that strikes me is, "avoids tasks requiring sustained mental effort."  I had to darkly laugh at that.  So much of life requires, "sustained mental effort."  Higher paying jobs require, "sustained mental effort."  It's just that simple.  Until I can figure out how to do this, as in finding a helpful drug that I can access and afford, I don't see how I can earn more and find some peace and pleasure in the sustained mental effort of life's work.  

Hello Again

Since the completion of the music festival I've felt a mixture of relief, sadness and yes, pride.  Relief that this big venture had been successfully completed, sadness that I was back to facing the challenge of moving on from my current job as a waitress (which I never lost sight of, believe me) and pride that I'd finally imagined, planned, worked through and completed a difficult project in which I believed.  

What is my next project?  There are a few I'm thinking about but in the immediate future it's about finding an ADHD medication that (I hope) helps to relieve the sleepiness that overcomes me when I sit quietly to work, practice music or attempt any kind of long term focusing.  

I recently came across a very well paying job that has opened up.  It's a job I would never have imagined myself doing before I did the music festival but now at look at it and think, "Possible...very, very possible."  That said, without the aid of medication, I'm not sure I can do it.  

I've been reading recently about ways to get ADHD meds at a price I can afford.  It seems that many corporations actually DO offer some of their meds at a very low cost with the right coupons, it just takes some stick-to-ative-ness in working through the paperwork.  it won't be easy but I am determined to try different medications.