This blog is supposed to be weekly and recently it has not been. I have found it excruciating to put out a worthy narrative. I put it down to getting very near intense vulnerability and as of yet not being able to sit with it.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the poor sense of time that afflicts that ADHD brain. I've read about it many times but I've been seeking ways to describe how it manifests itself in my own life in order to understand how it severely undermines my life goals. In this essay, I'm thinking about it in terms of the many projects I've started but not finished. I must also share that recently someone described the ADHD mind as one with too many tabs left open. Oh, how this immediately resonated with me.
The music festival I created two years ago was an ideal project for me because it was long term enough to take me well outside my comfort zone in terms of planning but also short term enough that I could see the end of the horizon from months away. Essentially, in both years, I worked on it from January 1st until the mid-May.
What of my career goals such as they have ever been? In 2006, I said to myself that I'd like to pursue a voice over career. Now it's nearing the end of 2014 and I have little to show for it other than some expensive equipment and a good amount of training. A few years ago, I had to admit to myself that I didn't enjoy working at home, alone in a studio and that this wasn't necessarily an ADHD issue. That's more about my fundamentally preferring to work with people in person on a daily basis. I am at my best and most true self when I collaborate. Money has been spent, a few demos were made, one paying job, lots of Facebook and Linkdin connections but, alas, no discernible career. Notwithstanding the nature of choosing such a difficult career to create, I couldn't lock into the "dailiness" of this job. No external structure, no official goals, no coworkers in the same space with whom to talk.
Upon the advice of these ADHD business coaches, I have kept any and all notes that I need in life in one notebook. This has been fantastic. I rarely misplace this notebook and I know where all my reminders and ideas sit. I bring this up because I have tons of ideas in there: recording and video projects, design ideas, essays, concert performance dreams written out, etc. The ideas don't end. It's the execution that eludes me still. At this writing the vulnerability of reopening and examining these life dreams haunt rather than inform me. Stay with my my readers. I'm working hard to be strong in that space.
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