Closing off options

Deciding what NOT to focus on is anathema to the ADHD brain.  Like being told, "you can't have chocolate," you then really want chocolate.  I've been giving some of my limited focus to pondering this idea.  Why, you ask?  Because the s*** needs to hit the fan.  I am 43 years old, want these four things in no particular order: marriage, child, my own business and to record an album. 

As I type this, a familiar defensiveness comes out of me.  I hear a voice say, "so many people do these things every day, just *&*^&^% go do them."  I haven't been able to yet though for various reasons: years of depression (very successfully medicated, therapised and exercised out of my brain so far) and, of course, an ADHD brain that wasn't diagnosed until I was 29 years old.  What I want to say back to that voice is something I wrote recently in a journal entry:

One of the most disheartening things you can say to someone who struggles daily with a processing disorder is, “see we all have to work hard at this.”  As if you'll suddenly think, "Oh my goodness, that was my only issue?! That I didn't realize some tasks and goals are challenging.  Thank you, thank you for your wise words.  How have I gone on so long without them? Wow, challenges gone."   The thing is, your working hard and my working hard are two entirely different beasts.  To illustrate; there is you climbing the challenging mountain with your water, boots, nature bars and a good night’s sleep.  Difficult but doable.  The challenges of the mountain lay mostly outside of yourself.  Then there is me climbing the mountain with a coat that perhaps neither of us realize is made of lead.  Not only that, I haven’t slept well.  I look the same but not only is our task quite different but our experience of the task is quite different. Yours may be an invigorating challenge.  Mine will most likely be a fruitless, dispiriting challenge that will only ever get me 100 feet up the hill.  I’ll keep trying, perhaps for years, and never get more than 100 feet up that hill.  Meanwhile you’ve built a home, had a family and have traveled up another 15 mountains.
 

With this essay and blog overall, I am attempting to get further than 100 feet up the hill that I have traversed over and over again for years?  How am I going to do this? 

I can't answer this with any certainty but I can say that after years of reading and trial and error, I feel that I have a semblance of awareness of my strengths and weaknesses to attempt to slowly change some aspects of my life.   This much I know: I want a family, a business of my own and to make music. Truthfully,  there are also lots of things I don't want to change.  I must emphasize that.  I come to this challenge from a place of joy and excitement.  I am happy I am alive.  I am grateful for my friends, continued good health, my home, my garden, my family, even my waitressing job, which isn't my dream job by any means, but at which I've made good friends and truly had a fun time. 

As always, onwards....