In Medias Res

For those who didn't take Latin in high school, in medias res, means "in the middle of things."  This is exactly where things are regarding the music festival.  I have lots ADHD thoughts burbling in my brain but which aren't quite ready to be put into an essay.  

That said, regarding the music festival I have sent out an email to a music aquaintance to be on my very informal committee and she has answered yes.  I am at the point where I can't possibly do all that needs to be done for the festival (and lordy, nor would I want to).  Oddly enough I am finding it really difficult to ask people to volunteer their time for me, though this is exactly what I am doing with my time.  I think as multiple tasks pile up that require organizational, sequential and logical thinking, I start to mentally check out (but I really can't this time).  I don't feel toxically stressed about this, just aware that a bit of courage on my part will be required. 

Future Tense

My music festival doesn't happen until May 18th but I'm already thinking about what project I will do next and how I'll use this blog.  Let me state here and now writing this blog has been life changing for me.  First off, I don't think I could have put together such an ambitious project as a music festival without the narrative that writing these essays has given to me. Dare I say that writing has become necessary to a deeper understanding of my life and life in general?     

What I've learned so far in putting together this festival, well, are many things: I have a talent for connecting with people and of connecting people to each other, I speak well to groups (that's no surprise though, I love the stage) and I know how and whom to ask for help when I seek advice or guidance, you name it.  

What have I learned about my ADHD over the past few months?    What I'm learning about my brain is nothing that can't be found in many ADHD books but it's been satisfying and painful to pinpoint my particular struggles in the context of what I want to do with my life.  

I've become more acutely, objectively aware, of how high my brain revs.  Sometimes this is a fantastic thing for endeavors such as racing cars or performing on stage.  For more medium energy, focused and sequential thinking, like say, learning a musical instrument, it's a nightmare and nearly useless.  Below is how I experience life much of the time:

The desire to learn a musical instrument has never dimmed in me.  I don't think it ever will nor would I want it to.  My next blog may be about doing just that- learning an instrument. 

Anywhooo, this is where I am. 

Amidst a Swirl of Details Some Joy to be Found

To update you dear readers on music festival planning and the ADHD mind: things are going pretty well.  Here's what I've gotten done over the past few weeks:

• Launched my Indiegogo campaign (not without some delays and stress but launched it was!).

• Spoke at a county council meeting to let the town leadership know about the festival.  They seemed receptive.  

• Designed the flyer that will hopefully solicit a few front porches on which acoustic bands will play.  

• Sent out a request to the people I trust to help me select and organize music and front porches.  Got back a fabulous response, by the way.  The people whose help I desired stepped up to the plate.  Offering to make dinner didn't hurt either. 

• Got permission to set up a booth at my local farmer's market.

You get the picture.  It's been a good few weeks. 

Reflections on Young Life with Depression

I have always felt shame. Always. For taking up space. For successes, failures, ambition, lack of ambition, you get the picture.

Last month I was watching my once-a-year football game with my family when I saw my 12 year old niece texting with various friends and I teased her about her lack of focus on the game. Something occurred to me, however, as I watched her; I saw that she possesses a happiness and more importantly, a resiliency that I never possessed at her age or even sensed in myself until recently. Only in the past few years have I found or forged in myself the toughness that one needs to weather the joys and pain of life.

I usually date the onset of my depression from age 20 (going until about 34) with a pre-depressive episode in my junior year of high school. Watching my niece though, I wonder about the extreme sensitivity I had always felt. How easily I cried. How easily I felt shame. All hallmarks of depression.

Perhaps I am looking for an excuse for my lack of bravery and creativity, for my profound inability to get close to people in any healthy way when younger.  This could be. What I do know is that sense of wonder, excitement and joy that I see in my niece was rarely mine to have when I was her age.

So I'm letting my heart break a bit today for time and experiences lost but I'm also glad to feel a sense of understanding about why I was the way I was.

Nothing is Easy

As March approaches, my fundraising campaign is delayed somewhat.  After working in fits and starts to put it together, I came across a snag two evenings ago.  It turns out that for a Kickstarter campaign, I (or anyone) can't use coupons as premiums for donors.  A few businesses gave me twenty five five-dollars-off coupons but unfortunately Kickstarter won't allow this.  Why? I'll let you go read those rules. This snafu however gives me perfect example of something that trips up the ADHD brain.  I may have early on read the list of rules for Kickstarter premiums, I may not have. I don't remember. Over the years when I tell people I made this or that mistake he or she will say some version of, "oh, no big deal. We all make mistakes."  But what they don't appreciate is the sheer volume of ego crushing, hope destroying, shame inducing mistakes that a person is capable of making over the years. At a certain point you find yourself mentally quivering in a corner, traumatized from this lack of trust in your brain, your memory and your ability to notice patterns and synthesize them, I could go on and on.  
         I didn't quite return to that very familiar corner two evenings ago.  I lost my steam, watched some TV but also read about Indiegogo and found that this may be a good fit for fundraising. I feel a bit behind schedule but I'm not a particularly worried about it.  March 1st felt like a good solid launch date for fundraising but now it will be a week or so later than this. 
At every level though, there are just more and more decisions to make. More areas to fuck up and go down that rabbit hole.

I'm back!!! Kinda

My apologies that I didn't write an essay last week.  I was laying in my bed whining about having a cold and watching movies. Luckily, depending on how you view it, I was most sick of Tuesday and Wednesday, my two days off from work.  Additionally, this cold morphed into something that inflamed my vocal chords so for the past three days I've sounded like a frog with a frog in its throat (who has a cold).

I digress!!

It's good to be back.  

Good news on the music festival front: I met with two local government officials this past Friday and though I approached the meeting with a moderately sickly feeling of vulnerability, it turns out that I had indeed prepared myself well for it.   How? In short, focused spurts I managed to figure out what I wanted to talk with them about.   Also, I went in knowing that my strength is simply conversing with people.  We talked for about twenty five minutes and I left with their support and blessing, so to speak.

Also, I will be interviewed by a local paper on Wednesday morning.  I'm pretty excited about that.  I get to expound upon on my excitement for the festival and how it came about. 

March is all about fundraising and this certainly augments the level of stress and vulnerability I feel in doing this whole endeavor.

Onwards...

A Day Late and $3000 Short

I was informed yesterday morning that my music festival did not win the $3000 grant for which it applied.  Some kids education project did. 

DAMN KIDS, GET OFF MY LAWN!!  

Other than the mathematical fact that there was only $3000 to give away, the other reason the festival did not receive the money is the exact reason about which I wondered as I was writing up the grant: there there are already festivals going on throughout the year in this town.   

I have duly noted this observation and I answer back, "but it's not my awesome and unique festival!" My funding journey continues...

I stopped by just about all the business in town this week and got lots of good feedback; two have already donated goods to the project.  Speaking of that, I was NOT in the mood to do this.  At first I found this a heavy and unpleasant task to contemplate but as I moved from store to store and talked with people, my mood lightened and I became more at ease with being so.. well...public in advertising the festival and of fundraising.

More soon.  I'm in a writing mood. 

Thank you readers!!!