Changing habits, really changing habits, is extremely challenging so I thought that I'd report here about some success that I've had in slowly changing some long term destructive habits of mine. Like many ADHD adults (and children), I'm a sugar addict. A while back, while staring at a partially eaten chocolate cake, one of those huge sheet cakes that feeds at least 50 people, I said to my friend mournfully, "I could eat all of that and still crave more." She replied with a phrase she learned from reading about recovery, "One is too many and a thousand isn't enough." I've never forgotten that phrase and know it to be deeply true.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Friday, September 19, 2014
A Voice of My Own
I'm 42 years old and I finally hearing sound of my own voice.
I'm also 42 years old feeling like an 18 year old. By that I mean, feeling ready to finally go to college in the way I wish I could have done, finally ready to move to NY or Chicago and pursue that sketch comedy/music career that has been with me since day one.
But I'm 42 not 18.
I'm 42 and I want a family.
I want a life WITH someone.
If this were a blog about my years of depression I would tell you that for me, and I speak only for myself, depression and the terrible sense of self that came along with it, did not mix with sex, emotional intimacy, joy or planning for the future.
The world awaits my entrance (to sound just a tad megalomaniacal).
More soon. Much work is being done and I look forward to posting weekly once again.
I'm also 42 years old feeling like an 18 year old. By that I mean, feeling ready to finally go to college in the way I wish I could have done, finally ready to move to NY or Chicago and pursue that sketch comedy/music career that has been with me since day one.
But I'm 42 not 18.
I'm 42 and I want a family.
I want a life WITH someone.
If this were a blog about my years of depression I would tell you that for me, and I speak only for myself, depression and the terrible sense of self that came along with it, did not mix with sex, emotional intimacy, joy or planning for the future.
The world awaits my entrance (to sound just a tad megalomaniacal).
More soon. Much work is being done and I look forward to posting weekly once again.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
So Many Choices
I'm in week #4 (of 26) of the Working with ADHD VIP club. It's a program that I signed up for a few weeks ago after hearing about it through the ADHD Weekly podcast. While I am not yet a self-sustaining entrepreneur, signing up for these mini-lessons feels right for me.
The first four lessons are:
All four have been extremely informative and I eagerly look forward to the remaining 22 lessons.
My challenge is figuring out what do I want to do with this ever growing body of knowledge. I am dragging my feet changing to another restaurant, which must happen because I need to earn more money. I am equally flummoxed by how to focus and utilize the skills that for so long I was unable to access due to depression and the fog of ADHD.
Here are the various ideas that dance across my consciousness:
The first four lessons are:
- Learning more about and taking Omega III pills
- How to prioritize My Workload
- Five Steps to Beating Procrastination
- How to gain up to two hours of productivity a day
All four have been extremely informative and I eagerly look forward to the remaining 22 lessons.
My challenge is figuring out what do I want to do with this ever growing body of knowledge. I am dragging my feet changing to another restaurant, which must happen because I need to earn more money. I am equally flummoxed by how to focus and utilize the skills that for so long I was unable to access due to depression and the fog of ADHD.
Here are the various ideas that dance across my consciousness:
- teaching performance workshops
- event MC
- voice over artist
- yoga teacher
- music festival organizer
- creating solo shows
- playwright
- creating a national holiday celebrating secularism
- sketch and comedy song writer
- creating my own production company
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Reflections on Death
Yep, that the most honest essay title that came to me.
I, along with millions of others, have been thinking about Robin Williams this week, about the terrible pain the brought him to the point where he consciously took his own life. I also learned today that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. If you are profoundly depressed, there is little to no energy left to face anything. Doing the dishes and dealing with a lifelong illness seem equally impossible to face.
What did his comedy mean to me? Why am I so sad at his death? Why was this performer such a standout amongst his peers? The one word that seems completely appropriate is empathy. He emotionally connected with everyone around him. Williams could take the most horrible and tragic of circumstances and make it wickedly, heartbreakingly funny. His work seems to show that all of life is a tragedy so you might as well laugh (and be kind to one another).
Robin Williams seemed to possess the ability to be a transmitter of emotion. In his comedy (and elsewhere) he shared his darkest and most lonely self in a way that let people feel less alone themselves.
I think that's what truly we all want: to be less alone.
Sadly we are a little more alone because he is gone.
I, along with millions of others, have been thinking about Robin Williams this week, about the terrible pain the brought him to the point where he consciously took his own life. I also learned today that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. If you are profoundly depressed, there is little to no energy left to face anything. Doing the dishes and dealing with a lifelong illness seem equally impossible to face.
What did his comedy mean to me? Why am I so sad at his death? Why was this performer such a standout amongst his peers? The one word that seems completely appropriate is empathy. He emotionally connected with everyone around him. Williams could take the most horrible and tragic of circumstances and make it wickedly, heartbreakingly funny. His work seems to show that all of life is a tragedy so you might as well laugh (and be kind to one another).
Robin Williams seemed to possess the ability to be a transmitter of emotion. In his comedy (and elsewhere) he shared his darkest and most lonely self in a way that let people feel less alone themselves.
I think that's what truly we all want: to be less alone.
Sadly we are a little more alone because he is gone.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
It's Never too Late to be What You Might Have Been
If there is anything that adults with ADHD struggle with, talk about, lie (lay?) in bed and reflect upon with perhaps many a tear streaming down cheeks, it's the feeling that all your potential is locked up in some overly secure fortress and there is no existent key out there to set it free. If you look up into its barred windows, you'll see this beautiful potential in darkened rooms waving arms out into the sunshine imploring, "I am here! Please set me free."
As for myself, I have spent many years in that place with little ability to access what I sensed deep within was my potential.
Things have been changing for the better for me. Slowly but surely.
I am in a good mental space, the best of my life actually. Years of private and group therapy, finding the right antidepressant with the correct dosage (generic Effexor XR - venlafaxine 150mg/day) and a myriad other efforts here and there, such as doing yoga, and eating healthily have been having profoundly good effects on my life.
It is in this spirit that I've chosen to sign up for the Working with ADHD VIP Club. This company is specifically created for ADHD entrepreneurs (Hey that's me!!). Two years ago I created a music festival specifically to challenge many of my ADHD issues. Not only did it allow me to face many of my profound organizational insecurities, it unlocked so much of that fantastic potential that has been sitting there for years aching to be released.
The short list of the my now-being-realized potential:
Creating a community music festival where little money was involved was the perfect way to challenge my ADHD. Now is the time to take these hard won skills of mine and create my living.
As for myself, I have spent many years in that place with little ability to access what I sensed deep within was my potential.
Things have been changing for the better for me. Slowly but surely.
I am in a good mental space, the best of my life actually. Years of private and group therapy, finding the right antidepressant with the correct dosage (generic Effexor XR - venlafaxine 150mg/day) and a myriad other efforts here and there, such as doing yoga, and eating healthily have been having profoundly good effects on my life.
It is in this spirit that I've chosen to sign up for the Working with ADHD VIP Club. This company is specifically created for ADHD entrepreneurs (Hey that's me!!). Two years ago I created a music festival specifically to challenge many of my ADHD issues. Not only did it allow me to face many of my profound organizational insecurities, it unlocked so much of that fantastic potential that has been sitting there for years aching to be released.
The short list of the my now-being-realized potential:
- Natural diplomat
- Very good public speaker
- Can get anyone excited about any idea
- Good writer
Creating a community music festival where little money was involved was the perfect way to challenge my ADHD. Now is the time to take these hard won skills of mine and create my living.
Monday, July 21, 2014
The Neverending Story
As many ADHD adults know overeating and ADHD often go hand in hand. It's certainly not the whole story as to why I have always struggled with my weight but it's a big contributing factor.
This is the Cliff Notes version of my weight history:
What changed in the past year? Two things: My doctor doubled the antidepressant (venlafaxine - generic Effexor) that I've taken for 13 years from 75mg to 150mg. This was most certainly a good decision. My mood and sense of resiliency has been wonderfully stable this past year. Is it the medication affecting my metabolism or is it my general feeling of resilience and good mood that is leading more overeating than I have done in the past?
I'm not sure of the answer to this but I do feel the need to revisit a weight loss plan. I may never get to 170 again but losing 15 lbs would be a good thing for me on all levels.
The good news is that through all of this I keep myself fit. I do yoga, I bike, I powerwalk. Years ago I realized that fitness need not be connected to what I weigh. In fact I feel that it's imperative that it isn't.
Like any addict, my struggle with my weight has been, is and will be lifelong. This she-demon is always there but working with her and all the things that are better, stronger and more worthy than indulging cravings is what I seek.
This is the Cliff Notes version of my weight history:
- Ages 5 - 14: Overweight and ending at weighing in 240 at age 14 (at 5ft. 8in).
- Ages 14 - 16 - Went from 240 - 170. Done with the willpower of a young, moderately obsessed teenager. My normal and healthy weight is 170, which you see below in 1993 when I was living in France for my junior year of college.
- Ages 16 - 28: My weight remained steady at 175'ish but ticked up up to 220 or so around 1997, when I stopped working on a farm (read eating well and doing physical work).
- Summer 2001 - Weighed in at 220 and made concerted effort to lose weight. Lost 18 or so pounds.
- 2001 - 2013: Weight steady around 204 give or take a few pounds
- 2013 - 2014: Gained ten pounds steadily to now weight in at 214.
What changed in the past year? Two things: My doctor doubled the antidepressant (venlafaxine - generic Effexor) that I've taken for 13 years from 75mg to 150mg. This was most certainly a good decision. My mood and sense of resiliency has been wonderfully stable this past year. Is it the medication affecting my metabolism or is it my general feeling of resilience and good mood that is leading more overeating than I have done in the past?
I'm not sure of the answer to this but I do feel the need to revisit a weight loss plan. I may never get to 170 again but losing 15 lbs would be a good thing for me on all levels.
The good news is that through all of this I keep myself fit. I do yoga, I bike, I powerwalk. Years ago I realized that fitness need not be connected to what I weigh. In fact I feel that it's imperative that it isn't.
Like any addict, my struggle with my weight has been, is and will be lifelong. This she-demon is always there but working with her and all the things that are better, stronger and more worthy than indulging cravings is what I seek.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Pass/Fail
Getting Things Done.
This is quite literally all that is ever required in life.
At least this is what it seems to one, myself, who has never been particularly good at nor enjoyed Getting. Things. Done. If you're aren't good at this, a huge price will be paid.
What did I need to get done today? To get my car inspected asap as the previous one had expired yesterday.
The registration had expired in March and thus I couldn't order a new one online until I had gone through and passed the inspection. Why didn't I just go then? Because things cost money and I was just Putting. Things. Off. Also, I've needed for months to replace two brake and turn signal bulbs and also the left side window shield wiper. Without the fixed brake light, the car doesn't pass inspection. Lastly, I wanted to do both of these tasks myself but that takes some focus. Never easy for me.
I delayed and delayed learning how to do both of these things, weeks and months of delaying. Today I HAD to get things done so I went to the coffee shop and watched two YouTube videos that taught me all I needed to know about changing bulbs and wipers. That took about, maybe, half an hour. At the inspection station, there were no cars in line. I was done in 15 minutes, a rare joy indeed. All told, the videos, the repairs, the inspection and the journey to and from took about two hours. Only two !**^&^^% hours. And so many months and months of wasteful lead time.
For the ADHD brain, my brain, few Things. That. Need. Doing. ever feel instrinsically structured and so because of this I either feel no visceral imperative to get things done or I feel everything at once and freeze in motion.
My task today was to accept that I was going to waste $100 of money (the late inspection fee) that had been within my power not to waste but also, and more importantly, to take a few more steps on the path of changing my relationship with the tasks that lay ahead of me, which means to continue to change my perception of time, which until recently was either, Now or Forever. "Now" I can take. "Forever" is impossible.
When I have tasks that feel overwhelming to me (read utterly boring) I escape.
Today I broke down the tasks that needed doing and consciously reminded myself that this or that task would be done well before the sun went down. Additionally, even if my car failed inspection, which it didn't, I would face that challenge when it happened and take it one, two or three steps at a time.
This entire essay brings to inevitably to this question:
What does the ADHD adult or child fear most in this world?
Boredom.
Today I made my tasks more productive and,well, not boring.
For that I am quite happy.
This is quite literally all that is ever required in life.
At least this is what it seems to one, myself, who has never been particularly good at nor enjoyed Getting. Things. Done. If you're aren't good at this, a huge price will be paid.
What did I need to get done today? To get my car inspected asap as the previous one had expired yesterday.
The registration had expired in March and thus I couldn't order a new one online until I had gone through and passed the inspection. Why didn't I just go then? Because things cost money and I was just Putting. Things. Off. Also, I've needed for months to replace two brake and turn signal bulbs and also the left side window shield wiper. Without the fixed brake light, the car doesn't pass inspection. Lastly, I wanted to do both of these tasks myself but that takes some focus. Never easy for me.
I delayed and delayed learning how to do both of these things, weeks and months of delaying. Today I HAD to get things done so I went to the coffee shop and watched two YouTube videos that taught me all I needed to know about changing bulbs and wipers. That took about, maybe, half an hour. At the inspection station, there were no cars in line. I was done in 15 minutes, a rare joy indeed. All told, the videos, the repairs, the inspection and the journey to and from took about two hours. Only two !**^&^^% hours. And so many months and months of wasteful lead time.
For the ADHD brain, my brain, few Things. That. Need. Doing. ever feel instrinsically structured and so because of this I either feel no visceral imperative to get things done or I feel everything at once and freeze in motion.
My task today was to accept that I was going to waste $100 of money (the late inspection fee) that had been within my power not to waste but also, and more importantly, to take a few more steps on the path of changing my relationship with the tasks that lay ahead of me, which means to continue to change my perception of time, which until recently was either, Now or Forever. "Now" I can take. "Forever" is impossible.
When I have tasks that feel overwhelming to me (read utterly boring) I escape.
Today I broke down the tasks that needed doing and consciously reminded myself that this or that task would be done well before the sun went down. Additionally, even if my car failed inspection, which it didn't, I would face that challenge when it happened and take it one, two or three steps at a time.
This entire essay brings to inevitably to this question:
What does the ADHD adult or child fear most in this world?
Boredom.
Today I made my tasks more productive and,well, not boring.
For that I am quite happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)