I've been a student again for six weeks. Grade wise, I've done decently. Predictable, I've done very well on the writing portion, pretty well on the quizzes and gotten mixed results on the various larger projects that we have due each Sunday evening, which I inevitably turn in a day late.
The comprehension issues I have: poor ability to absorb, process and retain data and then to pull it out when needed, remain steadfastly in my life, like a lead albatross sitting on my brain.
I cannot tell you why completing this work is so difficult. For someone as verbal as I am, it's a painful place to be. I am nearly mute on this topic. I may be able to eek out explanations I've read about in my various reading on ADHD but somehow this isn't sufficient. The same inability to process information is the same reason I always struggle to learn an instrument, the same reason I couldn't manage my own business, or take care of my finances on a regular basis. I can read you reasons but I cannot explain my reality to you and it's heartbreakingly frustrating.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
A Student Again, Oh My!!
I am a student again after twenty one years as I have signed up for a course to become certified to teach English as a second language. Why did I decide to choose this route? For two reasons: I want to get out of the restaurant industry and I want to go towards what comes naturally to me: teaching. Additionally, I am considering living abroad again and this certification offers to me a very good chance of finding employment in many private and public schools around the globe.
The course runs for two and half months and costs a little over $1000. The length of the course and the cost are infinitely more appealing to me than two years of graduate school and $50k or more of student debt. No thank you.
So with the years of therapy, multiple ADHD (and Depression) books read and strategies tried, I dive back into an arena that for years caused me endless pain and defeat, resulting in a profound lack on confidence in the work world. I didn't even know how to begin to speak about what plagued me all of those years as I was diagnosed with ADHD at 29. I am now (a relatively happy) 44.
As I read about this course, absorb how to navigate online classes, which include live lectures and time-sensitive quizzes, all the familiar struggles return; however, I have come as prepared as I have ever been. For I am well acquainted with the tricks of my brain.
For example: I know that my sense of time is profoundly flawed; emotionally it's either now or infinity. I possess little to no sense of the natural and logical organization of tasks. Sequential instructions are often physiologically and neurologically untenable. I have learned over the years though to read through instructions at least once, twice, thrice with little expectation of grasping even ten percent of what is in front of me. That said, something will get in there and the next day I will come back and will retain something and will read through them again. I know though, that with enough slow and steady, three-times-as-long-as-others attempts that I'll eventually grasp what is in front of me. Along with this, I give myself time to physically move around when needed, study where I will work best (in a cafe) and work when I study best (early morning and after dinner).
As I've said many times, my ability to focus and then to retain information is often as fragile as a candle in a hurricane. The key is to figure out many tricks to keep that little flame flickering.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Acceptance
I returned from vacation two weeks ago after spending twelve days visiting friends in Berlin and London. It had been 13 years since I'd left the country and eight since I'd taken more than a four day break from work. This much desired and needed break gave me time to think.
Life with ADHD is difficult and, I think to a great extent will always be so. With this realization comes acceptance. Even with medication, reading many books, and listening to podcasts, for me at least, there have been few aha! moments. I have felt rather a slow acceptance of the condition that has in so many ways defined my life. I feel a deeper understanding of people who openly accept and work with whatever condition or tragedy has been thrust upon them. In the end, after all the anger and sadness cool to an ember, you're still left with the condition and the rest of your life. With that though I also sense the freedom to choose how I want to live and what works for me and my brain.
In that spirit I take up my keyboard and continue my blog.
Life with ADHD is difficult and, I think to a great extent will always be so. With this realization comes acceptance. Even with medication, reading many books, and listening to podcasts, for me at least, there have been few aha! moments. I have felt rather a slow acceptance of the condition that has in so many ways defined my life. I feel a deeper understanding of people who openly accept and work with whatever condition or tragedy has been thrust upon them. In the end, after all the anger and sadness cool to an ember, you're still left with the condition and the rest of your life. With that though I also sense the freedom to choose how I want to live and what works for me and my brain.
In that spirit I take up my keyboard and continue my blog.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
I know, I know, this is no way to run a blog
Please forgive me my absences. The moderate discipline I managed to forge over the past few years in writing this blog has eluded me recently. I think partly because many things have felt too personal and unfiltered to share. In other words, who wants to read a boring old journal? Not you I imagine. Nor do I want to share one.
I have two updates for you. If you've read this blog from the beginning, you'll know that I started it when I wanted to create music festival in 2013 but was overwhelmed at the idea. Writing about those challenges (and joys) here was invaluable. The blog and the music festival were symbiotic. Well, my music fest happened for a third year last month and I'm proud to say that it was the most successful iteration yet. In short I think with time and money (of course) many aspects of it could be better, but I truly feel that the festival is the definition of, "good enough." People came out, music was played and people had a really enjoyable time, including me.
The second piece of news is that I started taking piano lessons again, something I haven't done in at least six years. Music has ever and always been something in which I have had profound struggles even though I have no doubt that I am fundamentally a musician. I have certainly grown in my singing over the years but even learning songs has proven extremely difficult most of the time. If you'd like a short succinct description of the ADHD brain that may give you insight into why I (and many others) have challenges with the many aspects of learning, and for me the means challenges with practicing and recalling what I've studied, click here for an enlightening graphic.
I have had two meetings with this piano teacher, Ms. G: one to meet and the second for the first lesson. I've explained to her some of my challenges as they arise: : that I can get deeply sleepy when practicing music (and so many other tasks), that physiologically it's difficult for me to slow down to perform, amongst other cognitive struggles. A very cool and promising thing happened in this lesson, I was much more cognizant of my performance anxiety and was able to talk my way through. Ms. G is very patient and it's my responsibility to trust that patience. Two days ago, I practiced for 10 minutes, got sleepy and promptly fell into a deep sleep for almost three hours. I no longer hate myself when this happens. It's just another thing with which I must contend. Adderal helps sometimes and practicing at night is often productive for me. I continue to search for the external circumstances, which will allow my fragile focus to flourish.
I move forward in music with hesitant hope that I will indeed progress and if I should gain a certain level of comfort in the pieces I learn, I will record and post them for your enjoyment.
Later gators.
I have two updates for you. If you've read this blog from the beginning, you'll know that I started it when I wanted to create music festival in 2013 but was overwhelmed at the idea. Writing about those challenges (and joys) here was invaluable. The blog and the music festival were symbiotic. Well, my music fest happened for a third year last month and I'm proud to say that it was the most successful iteration yet. In short I think with time and money (of course) many aspects of it could be better, but I truly feel that the festival is the definition of, "good enough." People came out, music was played and people had a really enjoyable time, including me.
The second piece of news is that I started taking piano lessons again, something I haven't done in at least six years. Music has ever and always been something in which I have had profound struggles even though I have no doubt that I am fundamentally a musician. I have certainly grown in my singing over the years but even learning songs has proven extremely difficult most of the time. If you'd like a short succinct description of the ADHD brain that may give you insight into why I (and many others) have challenges with the many aspects of learning, and for me the means challenges with practicing and recalling what I've studied, click here for an enlightening graphic.
I have had two meetings with this piano teacher, Ms. G: one to meet and the second for the first lesson. I've explained to her some of my challenges as they arise: : that I can get deeply sleepy when practicing music (and so many other tasks), that physiologically it's difficult for me to slow down to perform, amongst other cognitive struggles. A very cool and promising thing happened in this lesson, I was much more cognizant of my performance anxiety and was able to talk my way through. Ms. G is very patient and it's my responsibility to trust that patience. Two days ago, I practiced for 10 minutes, got sleepy and promptly fell into a deep sleep for almost three hours. I no longer hate myself when this happens. It's just another thing with which I must contend. Adderal helps sometimes and practicing at night is often productive for me. I continue to search for the external circumstances, which will allow my fragile focus to flourish.
I move forward in music with hesitant hope that I will indeed progress and if I should gain a certain level of comfort in the pieces I learn, I will record and post them for your enjoyment.
Later gators.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Closing off options
Deciding what NOT to focus on is anathema to the ADHD brain. Like being told, "you can't have chocolate," you then really want chocolate. I've been giving some of my limited focus to pondering this idea. Why, you ask? Because the s*** needs to hit the fan. I am 43 years old, want these four things in no particular order: marriage, child, my own business and to record an album.
As I type this, a familiar defensiveness comes out of me. I hear a voice say, "so many people do these things every day, just *&*^&^% go do them." I haven't been able to yet though for various reasons: years of depression (very successfully medicated, therapised and exercised out of my brain so far) and, of course, an ADHD brain that wasn't diagnosed until I was 29 years old. What I want to say back to that voice is something I wrote recently in a journal entry:
One of the most disheartening things you can say to someone who struggles daily with a processing disorder is, “see we all have to work hard at this.” As if you'll suddenly think, "Oh my goodness, that was my only issue?! That I didn't realize some tasks and goals are challenging. Thank you, thank you for your wise words. How have I gone on so long without them? Wow, challenges gone." The thing is, your working hard and my working hard are two entirely different beasts. To illustrate; there is you climbing the challenging mountain with your water, boots, nature bars and a good night’s sleep. Difficult but doable. The challenges of the mountain lay mostly outside of yourself. Then there is me climbing the mountain with a coat that perhaps neither of us realize is made of lead. Not only that, I haven’t slept well. I look the same but not only is our task quite different but our experience of the task is quite different. Yours may be an invigorating challenge. Mine will most likely be a fruitless, dispiriting challenge that will only ever get me 100 feet up the hill. I’ll keep trying, perhaps for years, and never get more than 100 feet up that hill. Meanwhile you’ve built a home, had a family and have traveled up another 15 mountains.
As I type this, a familiar defensiveness comes out of me. I hear a voice say, "so many people do these things every day, just *&*^&^% go do them." I haven't been able to yet though for various reasons: years of depression (very successfully medicated, therapised and exercised out of my brain so far) and, of course, an ADHD brain that wasn't diagnosed until I was 29 years old. What I want to say back to that voice is something I wrote recently in a journal entry:
One of the most disheartening things you can say to someone who struggles daily with a processing disorder is, “see we all have to work hard at this.” As if you'll suddenly think, "Oh my goodness, that was my only issue?! That I didn't realize some tasks and goals are challenging. Thank you, thank you for your wise words. How have I gone on so long without them? Wow, challenges gone." The thing is, your working hard and my working hard are two entirely different beasts. To illustrate; there is you climbing the challenging mountain with your water, boots, nature bars and a good night’s sleep. Difficult but doable. The challenges of the mountain lay mostly outside of yourself. Then there is me climbing the mountain with a coat that perhaps neither of us realize is made of lead. Not only that, I haven’t slept well. I look the same but not only is our task quite different but our experience of the task is quite different. Yours may be an invigorating challenge. Mine will most likely be a fruitless, dispiriting challenge that will only ever get me 100 feet up the hill. I’ll keep trying, perhaps for years, and never get more than 100 feet up that hill. Meanwhile you’ve built a home, had a family and have traveled up another 15 mountains.
With this essay and blog overall, I am attempting to get further than 100 feet up the hill that I have traversed over and over again for years? How am I going to do this?
I can't answer this with any certainty but I can say that after years of reading and trial and error, I feel that I have a semblance of awareness of my strengths and weaknesses to attempt to slowly change some aspects of my life. This much I know: I want a family, a business of my own and to make music. Truthfully, there are also lots of things I don't want to change. I must emphasize that. I come to this challenge from a place of joy and excitement. I am happy I am alive. I am grateful for my friends, continued good health, my home, my garden, my family, even my waitressing job, which isn't my dream job by any means, but at which I've made good friends and truly had a fun time.
I can't answer this with any certainty but I can say that after years of reading and trial and error, I feel that I have a semblance of awareness of my strengths and weaknesses to attempt to slowly change some aspects of my life. This much I know: I want a family, a business of my own and to make music. Truthfully, there are also lots of things I don't want to change. I must emphasize that. I come to this challenge from a place of joy and excitement. I am happy I am alive. I am grateful for my friends, continued good health, my home, my garden, my family, even my waitressing job, which isn't my dream job by any means, but at which I've made good friends and truly had a fun time.
As always, onwards....
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Yes And...
If you've ever taken an intro to improv class, and like any educated, comedy-loving, white middle-class gal of left leaning persuasion, I have, you learn the phrase, "Yes, And..." It's used in improv to help the student keep an open mind but can also be applied to all aspects of life.
If you have untreated mental illness, or cognitive processing disorders, your, "yes, and" may be actually sound like, "umm, well, yes...I guess, oh, god what have I done?!" Or more likely as time goes on, "F*** no."
I have much, "yes, and" in me by nature but it has too often been thwarted by an uncooperative brain. This has gotten me thinking about how I can have a bit more, "yes and" in my life and with it the spirit of openness to new experience that I desire.
So how can Adults with ADHD find their, "yes, and" and feel some measure of optimism and excitement to accompany it?
It's so imperative with any cognitive processing disorder to know what your challenges are and how they manifest in your life on a day to day basis. I am the first to say that this is an incredibly challenging task. It has taken me years of reading ADHD books, therapy and jobs-beneath-my-education-and-talent, to suss out how my brain functions at it's best and worst.
For example: THE most important I have learned over the past two years is that consuming beans has a profoundly positive effect on my brain, mood and focus. When I began to figure this out, I was then stressed out because I wanted to create wonderful dishes to eat, which wasn't happening. The other day though I inadvertently bought canned, ready-to-eat "chile beans." So I just simply added some whole grain rice, consumed this tasty-though-not-particularly-creative mixture and was subsequently stunned at how calm, focused and craving free I felt for hours afterward. In light of this discovery, I've decided to treat eating beans and brown rice like medicine. Recipes be damned! Get those ready-to-make beans, brown rice and take as needed.
Let's try to get to our version of, "yes, and."
If you have untreated mental illness, or cognitive processing disorders, your, "yes, and" may be actually sound like, "umm, well, yes...I guess, oh, god what have I done?!" Or more likely as time goes on, "F*** no."
I have much, "yes, and" in me by nature but it has too often been thwarted by an uncooperative brain. This has gotten me thinking about how I can have a bit more, "yes and" in my life and with it the spirit of openness to new experience that I desire.
So how can Adults with ADHD find their, "yes, and" and feel some measure of optimism and excitement to accompany it?
It's so imperative with any cognitive processing disorder to know what your challenges are and how they manifest in your life on a day to day basis. I am the first to say that this is an incredibly challenging task. It has taken me years of reading ADHD books, therapy and jobs-beneath-my-education-and-talent, to suss out how my brain functions at it's best and worst.
For example: THE most important I have learned over the past two years is that consuming beans has a profoundly positive effect on my brain, mood and focus. When I began to figure this out, I was then stressed out because I wanted to create wonderful dishes to eat, which wasn't happening. The other day though I inadvertently bought canned, ready-to-eat "chile beans." So I just simply added some whole grain rice, consumed this tasty-though-not-particularly-creative mixture and was subsequently stunned at how calm, focused and craving free I felt for hours afterward. In light of this discovery, I've decided to treat eating beans and brown rice like medicine. Recipes be damned! Get those ready-to-make beans, brown rice and take as needed.
Let's try to get to our version of, "yes, and."
Sunday, March 1, 2015
What is it about writing?
What is it about writing things out that changes everything?
This blog has been so difficult to write of late though. Rough drafts plague me but I see nothing yet worth sharing. This morning I reflected upon the reasons why I started this blog project in the first place in November 0f 2012: I was creating a music festival from scratch and I needed a place to write about the challenges that I, an adult with lifelong ADHD, faced. What I learned and what has brought me back here to write in February 2015 is that by compelling myself to share what I am working on, I am also compelled to work harder and to create a narrative that is worthy of your time.
I am here to use this blog again to share my lifelong challenges with a brain that can be wonderfully creative and incredibly alive emotionally but also woefully deficient in linear thinking and follow-through.
For me writing out a narrative equals more follow through. And that is what I need right now.
So I hope you join me again while I share this journey.
This blog has been so difficult to write of late though. Rough drafts plague me but I see nothing yet worth sharing. This morning I reflected upon the reasons why I started this blog project in the first place in November 0f 2012: I was creating a music festival from scratch and I needed a place to write about the challenges that I, an adult with lifelong ADHD, faced. What I learned and what has brought me back here to write in February 2015 is that by compelling myself to share what I am working on, I am also compelled to work harder and to create a narrative that is worthy of your time.
I am here to use this blog again to share my lifelong challenges with a brain that can be wonderfully creative and incredibly alive emotionally but also woefully deficient in linear thinking and follow-through.
For me writing out a narrative equals more follow through. And that is what I need right now.
So I hope you join me again while I share this journey.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Systems and How Much I Resist Implementing Them
Two months ago the New York Times published an article titled, "A Natural Fix for ADHD."
Two ideas stand out to me:
"Recent neuroscience research shows that people with A.D.H.D. are actually hard-wired for novelty-seeking — a trait that had, until relatively recently, a distinct evolutionary advantage. Compared with the rest of us, they have sluggish and underfed brain reward circuits, so much of everyday life feels routine and under-stimulating." and
From the standpoint of teachers, parents and the world at large, the problem with people with A.D.H.D. looks like a lack of focus and attention and impulsive behavior. But if you have the “illness,” the real problem is that, to your brain, the world that you live in essentially feels not very interesting.
So why have I titled this essay, "systems?" Friends of mine recently emphasized the importance of creating and honoring systems to getting-things-done; however, when applied to the brains of folks who fit the description above things can get very tricky.
Of course, you need a system to get things done: look through bills every other Tuesday, workout every other day, study from 8-9pm five days a week. But how can the ADHD adult get a system to work for rather than against her? More often then not, setting up a system is a recipe for predicted failure.
So here is what I recommend:
In my experience it takes a good amount of time to really notice without shame what does and does not work for you. For instance when I do paperwork, I am much more productive if low volume percussive music plays. Why? Because in some way neurologically the sound seems to siphon off the extra energy that perpetually courses through my brain and body when I sit still yet the pulse keeps my mind stimulated enough to retain some measure of focus and follow-through. Another action that works for me? Keeping a simple salad of black and kidney beans with a selection of herbs and veggies in my fridge as often as I can. I am amazed at the effect that these complex carbs have on my sense well-being and stability. Not only do I feel peaceful when I eat like this but this easy simple dish helps to control my sugar cravings (and it's a cheap solution to boot).
Systems will almost always be the way to get things done but give yourself the time and compassion to figure out what is best for your brain and body before you undertake any commitment that requires, well, commitment.
Two ideas stand out to me:
"Recent neuroscience research shows that people with A.D.H.D. are actually hard-wired for novelty-seeking — a trait that had, until relatively recently, a distinct evolutionary advantage. Compared with the rest of us, they have sluggish and underfed brain reward circuits, so much of everyday life feels routine and under-stimulating." and
From the standpoint of teachers, parents and the world at large, the problem with people with A.D.H.D. looks like a lack of focus and attention and impulsive behavior. But if you have the “illness,” the real problem is that, to your brain, the world that you live in essentially feels not very interesting.
So why have I titled this essay, "systems?" Friends of mine recently emphasized the importance of creating and honoring systems to getting-things-done; however, when applied to the brains of folks who fit the description above things can get very tricky.
Of course, you need a system to get things done: look through bills every other Tuesday, workout every other day, study from 8-9pm five days a week. But how can the ADHD adult get a system to work for rather than against her? More often then not, setting up a system is a recipe for predicted failure.
So here is what I recommend:
In my experience it takes a good amount of time to really notice without shame what does and does not work for you. For instance when I do paperwork, I am much more productive if low volume percussive music plays. Why? Because in some way neurologically the sound seems to siphon off the extra energy that perpetually courses through my brain and body when I sit still yet the pulse keeps my mind stimulated enough to retain some measure of focus and follow-through. Another action that works for me? Keeping a simple salad of black and kidney beans with a selection of herbs and veggies in my fridge as often as I can. I am amazed at the effect that these complex carbs have on my sense well-being and stability. Not only do I feel peaceful when I eat like this but this easy simple dish helps to control my sugar cravings (and it's a cheap solution to boot).
Systems will almost always be the way to get things done but give yourself the time and compassion to figure out what is best for your brain and body before you undertake any commitment that requires, well, commitment.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
An Unchosen Hiatus
This blog is supposed to be weekly and recently it has not been. I have found it excruciating to put out a worthy narrative. I put it down to getting very near intense vulnerability and as of yet not being able to sit with it.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the poor sense of time that afflicts that ADHD brain. I've read about it many times but I've been seeking ways to describe how it manifests itself in my own life in order to understand how it severely undermines my life goals. In this essay, I'm thinking about it in terms of the many projects I've started but not finished. I must also share that recently someone described the ADHD mind as one with too many tabs left open. Oh, how this immediately resonated with me.
The music festival I created two years ago was an ideal project for me because it was long term enough to take me well outside my comfort zone in terms of planning but also short term enough that I could see the end of the horizon from months away. Essentially, in both years, I worked on it from January 1st until the mid-May.
What of my career goals such as they have ever been? In 2006, I said to myself that I'd like to pursue a voice over career. Now it's nearing the end of 2014 and I have little to show for it other than some expensive equipment and a good amount of training. A few years ago, I had to admit to myself that I didn't enjoy working at home, alone in a studio and that this wasn't necessarily an ADHD issue. That's more about my fundamentally preferring to work with people in person on a daily basis. I am at my best and most true self when I collaborate. Money has been spent, a few demos were made, one paying job, lots of Facebook and Linkdin connections but, alas, no discernible career. Notwithstanding the nature of choosing such a difficult career to create, I couldn't lock into the "dailiness" of this job. No external structure, no official goals, no coworkers in the same space with whom to talk.
Upon the advice of these ADHD business coaches, I have kept any and all notes that I need in life in one notebook. This has been fantastic. I rarely misplace this notebook and I know where all my reminders and ideas sit. I bring this up because I have tons of ideas in there: recording and video projects, design ideas, essays, concert performance dreams written out, etc. The ideas don't end. It's the execution that eludes me still. At this writing the vulnerability of reopening and examining these life dreams haunt rather than inform me. Stay with my my readers. I'm working hard to be strong in that space.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the poor sense of time that afflicts that ADHD brain. I've read about it many times but I've been seeking ways to describe how it manifests itself in my own life in order to understand how it severely undermines my life goals. In this essay, I'm thinking about it in terms of the many projects I've started but not finished. I must also share that recently someone described the ADHD mind as one with too many tabs left open. Oh, how this immediately resonated with me.
The music festival I created two years ago was an ideal project for me because it was long term enough to take me well outside my comfort zone in terms of planning but also short term enough that I could see the end of the horizon from months away. Essentially, in both years, I worked on it from January 1st until the mid-May.
What of my career goals such as they have ever been? In 2006, I said to myself that I'd like to pursue a voice over career. Now it's nearing the end of 2014 and I have little to show for it other than some expensive equipment and a good amount of training. A few years ago, I had to admit to myself that I didn't enjoy working at home, alone in a studio and that this wasn't necessarily an ADHD issue. That's more about my fundamentally preferring to work with people in person on a daily basis. I am at my best and most true self when I collaborate. Money has been spent, a few demos were made, one paying job, lots of Facebook and Linkdin connections but, alas, no discernible career. Notwithstanding the nature of choosing such a difficult career to create, I couldn't lock into the "dailiness" of this job. No external structure, no official goals, no coworkers in the same space with whom to talk.
Upon the advice of these ADHD business coaches, I have kept any and all notes that I need in life in one notebook. This has been fantastic. I rarely misplace this notebook and I know where all my reminders and ideas sit. I bring this up because I have tons of ideas in there: recording and video projects, design ideas, essays, concert performance dreams written out, etc. The ideas don't end. It's the execution that eludes me still. At this writing the vulnerability of reopening and examining these life dreams haunt rather than inform me. Stay with my my readers. I'm working hard to be strong in that space.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
I'm Still Here
Yes, I am still here. I have at least five essays in the rough draft stage. To keep you occupied, do take a few minutes to read this essay on The Habits of Highly Productive Writers.
Humbling reading for an ADHD brain.
Humbling reading for an ADHD brain.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The Only Thing Tempting is Temptation Itself
Traveling and preparing for an overly tempting food environment can be challenging for most of us. ADHD adults have their own issues with which to contend such as the near absolute truth that if the cravings occur (and they will) we will indulge them. Read here to see more of my thoughts on this. Last weekend I made a trip to another city where I knew there would be many tempting foods, from the junk food at the gas stations to the too-large portion sizes in restaurants to party food that I always love, love, love.
Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave. These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride. I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked! I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted. Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time. Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there). I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake. Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this. I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.
My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago. Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism. Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.
More soon!
Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave. These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride. I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked! I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted. Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time. Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there). I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake. Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this. I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.
My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago. Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism. Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.
More soon!
Friday, October 10, 2014
Understanding Time Blindness (well, my time blindness)
Time blindness - I am completely fascinated by this topic in relation to ADHD thinking. How do I describe what I don't see nor do naturally?
"According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can 't connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren 't able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It's very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. " Citation
The lack of this ability leads to impulsive decisions (pick your vice that you indulge) and years of wasted time.
One way I think of this inability to imagine the future is to imagine a reverse spiral of layers upon layers of challenge.
Let's imagine those "begats" that you may come across if you ever read through some of the bible. A dysfunctioning neurological system begats poor sleep habits begats emotional sensitivity begats morning moodiness began sleepiness begats forgetfulness begats poor focus in school begats inability to do homework well begats grade anxiety begats an already squishy self esteem begats learning to keep quiet begats toxic stress begats overeating begats sugar addiction begats sugar crashes begats years of weight loss and gain and loss and gain begats finding oneself almost 43 years old wondering how I missed healthy life planning.
I now know how I missed it (read above) but it seems imperative to understand how I didn't see in order to now see.
"According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can 't connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren 't able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It's very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. " Citation
The lack of this ability leads to impulsive decisions (pick your vice that you indulge) and years of wasted time.
One way I think of this inability to imagine the future is to imagine a reverse spiral of layers upon layers of challenge.
Let's imagine those "begats" that you may come across if you ever read through some of the bible. A dysfunctioning neurological system begats poor sleep habits begats emotional sensitivity begats morning moodiness began sleepiness begats forgetfulness begats poor focus in school begats inability to do homework well begats grade anxiety begats an already squishy self esteem begats learning to keep quiet begats toxic stress begats overeating begats sugar addiction begats sugar crashes begats years of weight loss and gain and loss and gain begats finding oneself almost 43 years old wondering how I missed healthy life planning.
I now know how I missed it (read above) but it seems imperative to understand how I didn't see in order to now see.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Changing Habits
Changing habits, really changing habits, is extremely challenging so I thought that I'd report here about some success that I've had in slowly changing some long term destructive habits of mine. Like many ADHD adults (and children), I'm a sugar addict. A while back, while staring at a partially eaten chocolate cake, one of those huge sheet cakes that feeds at least 50 people, I said to my friend mournfully, "I could eat all of that and still crave more." She replied with a phrase she learned from reading about recovery, "One is too many and a thousand isn't enough." I've never forgotten that phrase and know it to be deeply true.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
Friday, September 19, 2014
A Voice of My Own
I'm 42 years old and I finally hearing sound of my own voice.
I'm also 42 years old feeling like an 18 year old. By that I mean, feeling ready to finally go to college in the way I wish I could have done, finally ready to move to NY or Chicago and pursue that sketch comedy/music career that has been with me since day one.
But I'm 42 not 18.
I'm 42 and I want a family.
I want a life WITH someone.
If this were a blog about my years of depression I would tell you that for me, and I speak only for myself, depression and the terrible sense of self that came along with it, did not mix with sex, emotional intimacy, joy or planning for the future.
The world awaits my entrance (to sound just a tad megalomaniacal).
More soon. Much work is being done and I look forward to posting weekly once again.
I'm also 42 years old feeling like an 18 year old. By that I mean, feeling ready to finally go to college in the way I wish I could have done, finally ready to move to NY or Chicago and pursue that sketch comedy/music career that has been with me since day one.
But I'm 42 not 18.
I'm 42 and I want a family.
I want a life WITH someone.
If this were a blog about my years of depression I would tell you that for me, and I speak only for myself, depression and the terrible sense of self that came along with it, did not mix with sex, emotional intimacy, joy or planning for the future.
The world awaits my entrance (to sound just a tad megalomaniacal).
More soon. Much work is being done and I look forward to posting weekly once again.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
So Many Choices
I'm in week #4 (of 26) of the Working with ADHD VIP club. It's a program that I signed up for a few weeks ago after hearing about it through the ADHD Weekly podcast. While I am not yet a self-sustaining entrepreneur, signing up for these mini-lessons feels right for me.
The first four lessons are:
All four have been extremely informative and I eagerly look forward to the remaining 22 lessons.
My challenge is figuring out what do I want to do with this ever growing body of knowledge. I am dragging my feet changing to another restaurant, which must happen because I need to earn more money. I am equally flummoxed by how to focus and utilize the skills that for so long I was unable to access due to depression and the fog of ADHD.
Here are the various ideas that dance across my consciousness:
The first four lessons are:
- Learning more about and taking Omega III pills
- How to prioritize My Workload
- Five Steps to Beating Procrastination
- How to gain up to two hours of productivity a day
All four have been extremely informative and I eagerly look forward to the remaining 22 lessons.
My challenge is figuring out what do I want to do with this ever growing body of knowledge. I am dragging my feet changing to another restaurant, which must happen because I need to earn more money. I am equally flummoxed by how to focus and utilize the skills that for so long I was unable to access due to depression and the fog of ADHD.
Here are the various ideas that dance across my consciousness:
- teaching performance workshops
- event MC
- voice over artist
- yoga teacher
- music festival organizer
- creating solo shows
- playwright
- creating a national holiday celebrating secularism
- sketch and comedy song writer
- creating my own production company
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Reflections on Death
Yep, that the most honest essay title that came to me.
I, along with millions of others, have been thinking about Robin Williams this week, about the terrible pain the brought him to the point where he consciously took his own life. I also learned today that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. If you are profoundly depressed, there is little to no energy left to face anything. Doing the dishes and dealing with a lifelong illness seem equally impossible to face.
What did his comedy mean to me? Why am I so sad at his death? Why was this performer such a standout amongst his peers? The one word that seems completely appropriate is empathy. He emotionally connected with everyone around him. Williams could take the most horrible and tragic of circumstances and make it wickedly, heartbreakingly funny. His work seems to show that all of life is a tragedy so you might as well laugh (and be kind to one another).
Robin Williams seemed to possess the ability to be a transmitter of emotion. In his comedy (and elsewhere) he shared his darkest and most lonely self in a way that let people feel less alone themselves.
I think that's what truly we all want: to be less alone.
Sadly we are a little more alone because he is gone.
I, along with millions of others, have been thinking about Robin Williams this week, about the terrible pain the brought him to the point where he consciously took his own life. I also learned today that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. If you are profoundly depressed, there is little to no energy left to face anything. Doing the dishes and dealing with a lifelong illness seem equally impossible to face.
What did his comedy mean to me? Why am I so sad at his death? Why was this performer such a standout amongst his peers? The one word that seems completely appropriate is empathy. He emotionally connected with everyone around him. Williams could take the most horrible and tragic of circumstances and make it wickedly, heartbreakingly funny. His work seems to show that all of life is a tragedy so you might as well laugh (and be kind to one another).
Robin Williams seemed to possess the ability to be a transmitter of emotion. In his comedy (and elsewhere) he shared his darkest and most lonely self in a way that let people feel less alone themselves.
I think that's what truly we all want: to be less alone.
Sadly we are a little more alone because he is gone.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
It's Never too Late to be What You Might Have Been
If there is anything that adults with ADHD struggle with, talk about, lie (lay?) in bed and reflect upon with perhaps many a tear streaming down cheeks, it's the feeling that all your potential is locked up in some overly secure fortress and there is no existent key out there to set it free. If you look up into its barred windows, you'll see this beautiful potential in darkened rooms waving arms out into the sunshine imploring, "I am here! Please set me free."
As for myself, I have spent many years in that place with little ability to access what I sensed deep within was my potential.
Things have been changing for the better for me. Slowly but surely.
I am in a good mental space, the best of my life actually. Years of private and group therapy, finding the right antidepressant with the correct dosage (generic Effexor XR - venlafaxine 150mg/day) and a myriad other efforts here and there, such as doing yoga, and eating healthily have been having profoundly good effects on my life.
It is in this spirit that I've chosen to sign up for the Working with ADHD VIP Club. This company is specifically created for ADHD entrepreneurs (Hey that's me!!). Two years ago I created a music festival specifically to challenge many of my ADHD issues. Not only did it allow me to face many of my profound organizational insecurities, it unlocked so much of that fantastic potential that has been sitting there for years aching to be released.
The short list of the my now-being-realized potential:
Creating a community music festival where little money was involved was the perfect way to challenge my ADHD. Now is the time to take these hard won skills of mine and create my living.
As for myself, I have spent many years in that place with little ability to access what I sensed deep within was my potential.
Things have been changing for the better for me. Slowly but surely.
I am in a good mental space, the best of my life actually. Years of private and group therapy, finding the right antidepressant with the correct dosage (generic Effexor XR - venlafaxine 150mg/day) and a myriad other efforts here and there, such as doing yoga, and eating healthily have been having profoundly good effects on my life.
It is in this spirit that I've chosen to sign up for the Working with ADHD VIP Club. This company is specifically created for ADHD entrepreneurs (Hey that's me!!). Two years ago I created a music festival specifically to challenge many of my ADHD issues. Not only did it allow me to face many of my profound organizational insecurities, it unlocked so much of that fantastic potential that has been sitting there for years aching to be released.
The short list of the my now-being-realized potential:
- Natural diplomat
- Very good public speaker
- Can get anyone excited about any idea
- Good writer
Creating a community music festival where little money was involved was the perfect way to challenge my ADHD. Now is the time to take these hard won skills of mine and create my living.
Monday, July 21, 2014
The Neverending Story
As many ADHD adults know overeating and ADHD often go hand in hand. It's certainly not the whole story as to why I have always struggled with my weight but it's a big contributing factor.
This is the Cliff Notes version of my weight history:
What changed in the past year? Two things: My doctor doubled the antidepressant (venlafaxine - generic Effexor) that I've taken for 13 years from 75mg to 150mg. This was most certainly a good decision. My mood and sense of resiliency has been wonderfully stable this past year. Is it the medication affecting my metabolism or is it my general feeling of resilience and good mood that is leading more overeating than I have done in the past?
I'm not sure of the answer to this but I do feel the need to revisit a weight loss plan. I may never get to 170 again but losing 15 lbs would be a good thing for me on all levels.
The good news is that through all of this I keep myself fit. I do yoga, I bike, I powerwalk. Years ago I realized that fitness need not be connected to what I weigh. In fact I feel that it's imperative that it isn't.
Like any addict, my struggle with my weight has been, is and will be lifelong. This she-demon is always there but working with her and all the things that are better, stronger and more worthy than indulging cravings is what I seek.
This is the Cliff Notes version of my weight history:
- Ages 5 - 14: Overweight and ending at weighing in 240 at age 14 (at 5ft. 8in).
- Ages 14 - 16 - Went from 240 - 170. Done with the willpower of a young, moderately obsessed teenager. My normal and healthy weight is 170, which you see below in 1993 when I was living in France for my junior year of college.
- Ages 16 - 28: My weight remained steady at 175'ish but ticked up up to 220 or so around 1997, when I stopped working on a farm (read eating well and doing physical work).
- Summer 2001 - Weighed in at 220 and made concerted effort to lose weight. Lost 18 or so pounds.
- 2001 - 2013: Weight steady around 204 give or take a few pounds
- 2013 - 2014: Gained ten pounds steadily to now weight in at 214.
What changed in the past year? Two things: My doctor doubled the antidepressant (venlafaxine - generic Effexor) that I've taken for 13 years from 75mg to 150mg. This was most certainly a good decision. My mood and sense of resiliency has been wonderfully stable this past year. Is it the medication affecting my metabolism or is it my general feeling of resilience and good mood that is leading more overeating than I have done in the past?
I'm not sure of the answer to this but I do feel the need to revisit a weight loss plan. I may never get to 170 again but losing 15 lbs would be a good thing for me on all levels.
The good news is that through all of this I keep myself fit. I do yoga, I bike, I powerwalk. Years ago I realized that fitness need not be connected to what I weigh. In fact I feel that it's imperative that it isn't.
Like any addict, my struggle with my weight has been, is and will be lifelong. This she-demon is always there but working with her and all the things that are better, stronger and more worthy than indulging cravings is what I seek.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Pass/Fail
Getting Things Done.
This is quite literally all that is ever required in life.
At least this is what it seems to one, myself, who has never been particularly good at nor enjoyed Getting. Things. Done. If you're aren't good at this, a huge price will be paid.
What did I need to get done today? To get my car inspected asap as the previous one had expired yesterday.
The registration had expired in March and thus I couldn't order a new one online until I had gone through and passed the inspection. Why didn't I just go then? Because things cost money and I was just Putting. Things. Off. Also, I've needed for months to replace two brake and turn signal bulbs and also the left side window shield wiper. Without the fixed brake light, the car doesn't pass inspection. Lastly, I wanted to do both of these tasks myself but that takes some focus. Never easy for me.
I delayed and delayed learning how to do both of these things, weeks and months of delaying. Today I HAD to get things done so I went to the coffee shop and watched two YouTube videos that taught me all I needed to know about changing bulbs and wipers. That took about, maybe, half an hour. At the inspection station, there were no cars in line. I was done in 15 minutes, a rare joy indeed. All told, the videos, the repairs, the inspection and the journey to and from took about two hours. Only two !**^&^^% hours. And so many months and months of wasteful lead time.
For the ADHD brain, my brain, few Things. That. Need. Doing. ever feel instrinsically structured and so because of this I either feel no visceral imperative to get things done or I feel everything at once and freeze in motion.
My task today was to accept that I was going to waste $100 of money (the late inspection fee) that had been within my power not to waste but also, and more importantly, to take a few more steps on the path of changing my relationship with the tasks that lay ahead of me, which means to continue to change my perception of time, which until recently was either, Now or Forever. "Now" I can take. "Forever" is impossible.
When I have tasks that feel overwhelming to me (read utterly boring) I escape.
Today I broke down the tasks that needed doing and consciously reminded myself that this or that task would be done well before the sun went down. Additionally, even if my car failed inspection, which it didn't, I would face that challenge when it happened and take it one, two or three steps at a time.
This entire essay brings to inevitably to this question:
What does the ADHD adult or child fear most in this world?
Boredom.
Today I made my tasks more productive and,well, not boring.
For that I am quite happy.
This is quite literally all that is ever required in life.
At least this is what it seems to one, myself, who has never been particularly good at nor enjoyed Getting. Things. Done. If you're aren't good at this, a huge price will be paid.
What did I need to get done today? To get my car inspected asap as the previous one had expired yesterday.
The registration had expired in March and thus I couldn't order a new one online until I had gone through and passed the inspection. Why didn't I just go then? Because things cost money and I was just Putting. Things. Off. Also, I've needed for months to replace two brake and turn signal bulbs and also the left side window shield wiper. Without the fixed brake light, the car doesn't pass inspection. Lastly, I wanted to do both of these tasks myself but that takes some focus. Never easy for me.
I delayed and delayed learning how to do both of these things, weeks and months of delaying. Today I HAD to get things done so I went to the coffee shop and watched two YouTube videos that taught me all I needed to know about changing bulbs and wipers. That took about, maybe, half an hour. At the inspection station, there were no cars in line. I was done in 15 minutes, a rare joy indeed. All told, the videos, the repairs, the inspection and the journey to and from took about two hours. Only two !**^&^^% hours. And so many months and months of wasteful lead time.
For the ADHD brain, my brain, few Things. That. Need. Doing. ever feel instrinsically structured and so because of this I either feel no visceral imperative to get things done or I feel everything at once and freeze in motion.
My task today was to accept that I was going to waste $100 of money (the late inspection fee) that had been within my power not to waste but also, and more importantly, to take a few more steps on the path of changing my relationship with the tasks that lay ahead of me, which means to continue to change my perception of time, which until recently was either, Now or Forever. "Now" I can take. "Forever" is impossible.
When I have tasks that feel overwhelming to me (read utterly boring) I escape.
Today I broke down the tasks that needed doing and consciously reminded myself that this or that task would be done well before the sun went down. Additionally, even if my car failed inspection, which it didn't, I would face that challenge when it happened and take it one, two or three steps at a time.
This entire essay brings to inevitably to this question:
What does the ADHD adult or child fear most in this world?
Boredom.
Today I made my tasks more productive and,well, not boring.
For that I am quite happy.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
In Between the Macro and the Micro
Change is THE WORST. And yet and yet....
I desire change. I'm mentally ready for change but how to earn a half way decent living doing at least some of the things I do really well is still a mystery for me.
I've been doing my best to objectively ask myself, "why do I dread change?"
Here are some answers that I came up with in no particular order.
I've found these ADHD rules-to-live-by quite clarifying. The ideas contained it get me closer to what I'm looking for. To paraphrase, in case reading it is not in the cards for you today:
Unfortunately if you're not diagnosed for years, one spends his or her life feeling overwhelmed and looking for an escape route, consciously or unconsciously. I was around 29 when I was diagnosed, well after the school years when I have to imagine it would have been helpful to understand how my brain worked.
But the past is the past and I am looking to the future as best as I can.
I desire change. I'm mentally ready for change but how to earn a half way decent living doing at least some of the things I do really well is still a mystery for me.
I've been doing my best to objectively ask myself, "why do I dread change?"
Here are some answers that I came up with in no particular order.
- Change for me usually equals earning even less money than I make now.
- At least for the last few years, learning restaurant knowledge for a job that, in truth, I don't ever really want.
- The way I've made changes for most of my life tends to not be done is small, healthy doses but in large terrifying not well done leaps.
I've found these ADHD rules-to-live-by quite clarifying. The ideas contained it get me closer to what I'm looking for. To paraphrase, in case reading it is not in the cards for you today:
- Get a better grip on impulse control, whether it be around food, online distractions, or anything that catches my attention.
- Work to have a deeper understanding on how I attempt to solve problems and where my weaknesses trip me up.
- Learn how to delay gratification.
- And lastly and the one that resonates most with me: Learn how to have a better intuitive sense of the future.
Unfortunately if you're not diagnosed for years, one spends his or her life feeling overwhelmed and looking for an escape route, consciously or unconsciously. I was around 29 when I was diagnosed, well after the school years when I have to imagine it would have been helpful to understand how my brain worked.
But the past is the past and I am looking to the future as best as I can.
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