Closing off options

Deciding what NOT to focus on is anathema to the ADHD brain.  Like being told, "you can't have chocolate," you then really want chocolate.  I've been giving some of my limited focus to pondering this idea.  Why, you ask?  Because the s*** needs to hit the fan.  I am 43 years old, want these four things in no particular order: marriage, child, my own business and to record an album. 

As I type this, a familiar defensiveness comes out of me.  I hear a voice say, "so many people do these things every day, just *&*^&^% go do them."  I haven't been able to yet though for various reasons: years of depression (very successfully medicated, therapised and exercised out of my brain so far) and, of course, an ADHD brain that wasn't diagnosed until I was 29 years old.  What I want to say back to that voice is something I wrote recently in a journal entry:

One of the most disheartening things you can say to someone who struggles daily with a processing disorder is, “see we all have to work hard at this.”  As if you'll suddenly think, "Oh my goodness, that was my only issue?! That I didn't realize some tasks and goals are challenging.  Thank you, thank you for your wise words.  How have I gone on so long without them? Wow, challenges gone."   The thing is, your working hard and my working hard are two entirely different beasts.  To illustrate; there is you climbing the challenging mountain with your water, boots, nature bars and a good night’s sleep.  Difficult but doable.  The challenges of the mountain lay mostly outside of yourself.  Then there is me climbing the mountain with a coat that perhaps neither of us realize is made of lead.  Not only that, I haven’t slept well.  I look the same but not only is our task quite different but our experience of the task is quite different. Yours may be an invigorating challenge.  Mine will most likely be a fruitless, dispiriting challenge that will only ever get me 100 feet up the hill.  I’ll keep trying, perhaps for years, and never get more than 100 feet up that hill.  Meanwhile you’ve built a home, had a family and have traveled up another 15 mountains.
 

With this essay and blog overall, I am attempting to get further than 100 feet up the hill that I have traversed over and over again for years?  How am I going to do this? 

I can't answer this with any certainty but I can say that after years of reading and trial and error, I feel that I have a semblance of awareness of my strengths and weaknesses to attempt to slowly change some aspects of my life.   This much I know: I want a family, a business of my own and to make music. Truthfully,  there are also lots of things I don't want to change.  I must emphasize that.  I come to this challenge from a place of joy and excitement.  I am happy I am alive.  I am grateful for my friends, continued good health, my home, my garden, my family, even my waitressing job, which isn't my dream job by any means, but at which I've made good friends and truly had a fun time. 

As always, onwards....

Yes And...

If you've ever taken an intro to improv class, and like any educated, comedy-loving, white middle-class gal of left leaning persuasion, I have, you learn the phrase, "Yes, And..."  It's used in improv to help the student keep an open mind but can also be applied to all aspects of life.

If you have untreated mental illness, or cognitive processing disorders, your, "yes, and" may be actually sound like, "umm, well, yes...I guess, oh, god what have I done?!"  Or more likely as time goes on,  "F*** no."  

I have much, "yes, and" in me by nature but it has too often been thwarted by an uncooperative brain.  This has gotten me thinking about how I can have a bit more, "yes and" in my life and with it the spirit of openness to new experience that I desire. 

So how can Adults with ADHD find their, "yes, and" and feel some measure of optimism and excitement to accompany it?

It's so imperative with any cognitive processing disorder to know what your challenges are and how they manifest in your life on a day to day basis.  I am the first to say that this is an incredibly challenging task.  It has taken me years of reading ADHD books, therapy and jobs-beneath-my-education-and-talent, to suss out how my brain functions at it's best and worst.  

For example: THE most important I have learned over the  past two years is that consuming beans has a profoundly positive effect on my brain, mood and focus.  When I began to figure this out, I was then stressed out because I wanted to create wonderful dishes to eat, which wasn't happening. The other day though I inadvertently bought canned, ready-to-eat "chile beans."  So I just simply added some whole grain rice, consumed this tasty-though-not-particularly-creative mixture and was subsequently stunned at how calm, focused and craving free I felt for hours afterward.  In light of this discovery, I've decided to treat eating beans and brown rice like medicine.  Recipes be damned! Get those ready-to-make beans, brown rice and take as needed.  

Let's try to get to our version of, "yes, and."

What is it about writing?

What is it about writing things out that changes everything?  

This blog has been so difficult to write of late though.  Rough drafts plague me but I see nothing yet worth sharing.  This morning I reflected upon the reasons why I started this blog project in the first place in November 0f 2012: I was creating a music festival from scratch and I needed a place to write about the challenges that I, an adult with lifelong ADHD, faced.  What I learned and what has brought me back here to write in February 2015 is that by compelling myself to share what I am working on, I am also compelled to work harder and to create a narrative that is worthy of your time.  

I am here to use this blog again to share my lifelong challenges with a brain that can be wonderfully creative and incredibly alive emotionally but also woefully deficient in linear thinking and follow-through.  

For me writing out a narrative equals more follow through.  And that is what I need right now.  

So I hope you join me again while I share this journey.  

Systems and How Much I Resist Implementing Them

Two months ago the New York Times published an article titled, "A Natural Fix for ADHD."  

Two ideas stand out to me:

"Recent neuroscience research shows that people with A.D.H.D. are actually hard-wired for novelty-seeking — a trait that had, until relatively recently, a distinct evolutionary advantage. Compared with the rest of us, they have sluggish and underfed brain reward circuits, so much of everyday life feels routine and under-stimulating."  and 

From the standpoint of teachers, parents and the world at large, the problem with people with A.D.H.D. looks like a lack of focus and attention and impulsive behavior. But if you have the “illness,” the real problem is that, to your brain, the world that you live in essentially feels not very interesting.

So why have I titled this essay, "systems?"  Friends of mine recently emphasized the importance of creating and honoring systems to getting-things-done; however, when applied to the brains of folks who fit the description above things can get very tricky. 

Of course, you need a system to get things done: look through bills every other Tuesday, workout every other day, study from 8-9pm five days a week.   But how can the ADHD adult get a system to work for rather than against her?  More often then not, setting up a system is a recipe for predicted failure. 

So here is what I recommend:

In my experience it takes a good amount of time to really notice without shame what does and does not work for you.  For instance when I do paperwork, I am much more productive if low volume percussive music plays.   Why?  Because in some way neurologically the sound seems to siphon off the extra energy that perpetually courses through my brain and body when I sit still yet the pulse keeps my mind stimulated enough to retain some measure of focus and follow-through.  Another action that works for me? Keeping a simple salad of black and kidney beans with a selection of herbs and veggies in my fridge as often as I can. I am amazed at the effect that these complex carbs have on my sense well-being and stability.  Not only do I feel peaceful when I eat like this but this easy simple dish helps to control my sugar cravings (and it's a cheap solution to boot).  

Systems will almost always be the way to get things done but give yourself the time and compassion to figure out what is best for your brain and body before you undertake any commitment that requires, well, commitment. 

An Unchosen Hiatus

This blog is supposed to be weekly and recently it has not been.  I have found it excruciating to put out a worthy narrative.  I put it down to getting very near intense vulnerability and as of yet not being able to sit with it.  

Recently I've been thinking a lot about the poor sense of time that afflicts that ADHD brain.  I've read about it many times but I've been seeking ways to describe how it manifests itself in my own life in order to understand how it severely undermines my life goals.  In this essay, I'm thinking about it in terms of the many projects I've started but not finished.  I must also share that recently someone described the ADHD mind as one with too many tabs left open.  Oh, how this immediately resonated with me. 

The music festival I created two years ago was an ideal project for me because it was long term enough to take me well outside my comfort zone in terms of planning but also short term enough that I could see the end of the horizon from months away.  Essentially, in both years, I worked on it from January 1st until the mid-May.

What of my career goals such as they have ever been?  In 2006, I said to myself that I'd like to pursue a voice over career.  Now it's nearing the end of 2014 and I have little to show for it other than some expensive equipment and a good amount of training.  A few years ago, I had to admit to myself that I didn't enjoy working at home, alone in a studio and that this wasn't necessarily an ADHD issue.  That's more about my fundamentally preferring to work with people in person on a daily basis.  I am at my best and most true self when I collaborate.   Money has been spent, a few demos were made, one paying job, lots of Facebook and Linkdin connections but, alas, no discernible career.  Notwithstanding the nature of choosing such a difficult career to create, I couldn't lock into the "dailiness" of this job.  No external structure, no official goals, no coworkers in the same space with whom to talk. 

Upon the advice of these ADHD business coaches, I have kept any and all notes that I need in life in one notebook.  This has been fantastic.  I rarely misplace this notebook and I know where all my reminders and ideas sit.  I bring this up because I have tons of ideas in there: recording and video projects, design ideas, essays, concert performance dreams written out, etc.  The ideas don't end.  It's the execution that eludes me still.  At this writing the vulnerability of reopening and examining these life dreams haunt rather than inform me.  Stay with my my readers.  I'm working hard to be strong in that space. 

I'm Still Here

Yes, I am still here.  I have at least five essays in the rough draft stage.  To keep you occupied, do take a few minutes to read this essay on The Habits of Highly Productive Writers.

Humbling reading for an ADHD brain. 

The Only Thing Tempting is Temptation Itself

Traveling and preparing for an overly tempting food environment can be challenging for most of us.  ADHD adults have their own issues with which to contend such as the near absolute truth that if the cravings occur (and they will) we will indulge them.  Read here to see more of my thoughts on this.  Last weekend I made a trip to another city where I knew there would be many tempting foods, from the junk food at the gas stations to the too-large portion sizes in restaurants to party food that I always love, love, love.   

Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave.  These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride.  I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked!  I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted.  Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time.  Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there).  I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake.  Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this.  I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.  

My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago.  Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism.  Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.  

More soon!