Yes, I am still here. I have at least five essays in the rough draft stage. To keep you occupied, do take a few minutes to read this essay on The Habits of Highly Productive Writers.
Humbling reading for an ADHD brain.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The Only Thing Tempting is Temptation Itself
Traveling and preparing for an overly tempting food environment can be challenging for most of us. ADHD adults have their own issues with which to contend such as the near absolute truth that if the cravings occur (and they will) we will indulge them. Read here to see more of my thoughts on this. Last weekend I made a trip to another city where I knew there would be many tempting foods, from the junk food at the gas stations to the too-large portion sizes in restaurants to party food that I always love, love, love.
Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave. These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride. I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked! I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted. Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time. Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there). I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake. Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this. I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.
My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago. Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism. Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.
More soon!
Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave. These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride. I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked! I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted. Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time. Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there). I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake. Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this. I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.
My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago. Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism. Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.
More soon!
Friday, October 10, 2014
Understanding Time Blindness (well, my time blindness)
Time blindness - I am completely fascinated by this topic in relation to ADHD thinking. How do I describe what I don't see nor do naturally?
"According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can 't connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren 't able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It's very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. " Citation
The lack of this ability leads to impulsive decisions (pick your vice that you indulge) and years of wasted time.
One way I think of this inability to imagine the future is to imagine a reverse spiral of layers upon layers of challenge.
Let's imagine those "begats" that you may come across if you ever read through some of the bible. A dysfunctioning neurological system begats poor sleep habits begats emotional sensitivity begats morning moodiness began sleepiness begats forgetfulness begats poor focus in school begats inability to do homework well begats grade anxiety begats an already squishy self esteem begats learning to keep quiet begats toxic stress begats overeating begats sugar addiction begats sugar crashes begats years of weight loss and gain and loss and gain begats finding oneself almost 43 years old wondering how I missed healthy life planning.
I now know how I missed it (read above) but it seems imperative to understand how I didn't see in order to now see.
"According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can 't connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren 't able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It's very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. " Citation
The lack of this ability leads to impulsive decisions (pick your vice that you indulge) and years of wasted time.
One way I think of this inability to imagine the future is to imagine a reverse spiral of layers upon layers of challenge.
Let's imagine those "begats" that you may come across if you ever read through some of the bible. A dysfunctioning neurological system begats poor sleep habits begats emotional sensitivity begats morning moodiness began sleepiness begats forgetfulness begats poor focus in school begats inability to do homework well begats grade anxiety begats an already squishy self esteem begats learning to keep quiet begats toxic stress begats overeating begats sugar addiction begats sugar crashes begats years of weight loss and gain and loss and gain begats finding oneself almost 43 years old wondering how I missed healthy life planning.
I now know how I missed it (read above) but it seems imperative to understand how I didn't see in order to now see.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Changing Habits
Changing habits, really changing habits, is extremely challenging so I thought that I'd report here about some success that I've had in slowly changing some long term destructive habits of mine. Like many ADHD adults (and children), I'm a sugar addict. A while back, while staring at a partially eaten chocolate cake, one of those huge sheet cakes that feeds at least 50 people, I said to my friend mournfully, "I could eat all of that and still crave more." She replied with a phrase she learned from reading about recovery, "One is too many and a thousand isn't enough." I've never forgotten that phrase and know it to be deeply true.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
Friday, September 19, 2014
A Voice of My Own
I'm 42 years old and I finally hearing sound of my own voice.
I'm also 42 years old feeling like an 18 year old. By that I mean, feeling ready to finally go to college in the way I wish I could have done, finally ready to move to NY or Chicago and pursue that sketch comedy/music career that has been with me since day one.
But I'm 42 not 18.
I'm 42 and I want a family.
I want a life WITH someone.
If this were a blog about my years of depression I would tell you that for me, and I speak only for myself, depression and the terrible sense of self that came along with it, did not mix with sex, emotional intimacy, joy or planning for the future.
The world awaits my entrance (to sound just a tad megalomaniacal).
More soon. Much work is being done and I look forward to posting weekly once again.
I'm also 42 years old feeling like an 18 year old. By that I mean, feeling ready to finally go to college in the way I wish I could have done, finally ready to move to NY or Chicago and pursue that sketch comedy/music career that has been with me since day one.
But I'm 42 not 18.
I'm 42 and I want a family.
I want a life WITH someone.
If this were a blog about my years of depression I would tell you that for me, and I speak only for myself, depression and the terrible sense of self that came along with it, did not mix with sex, emotional intimacy, joy or planning for the future.
The world awaits my entrance (to sound just a tad megalomaniacal).
More soon. Much work is being done and I look forward to posting weekly once again.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
So Many Choices
I'm in week #4 (of 26) of the Working with ADHD VIP club. It's a program that I signed up for a few weeks ago after hearing about it through the ADHD Weekly podcast. While I am not yet a self-sustaining entrepreneur, signing up for these mini-lessons feels right for me.
The first four lessons are:
All four have been extremely informative and I eagerly look forward to the remaining 22 lessons.
My challenge is figuring out what do I want to do with this ever growing body of knowledge. I am dragging my feet changing to another restaurant, which must happen because I need to earn more money. I am equally flummoxed by how to focus and utilize the skills that for so long I was unable to access due to depression and the fog of ADHD.
Here are the various ideas that dance across my consciousness:
The first four lessons are:
- Learning more about and taking Omega III pills
- How to prioritize My Workload
- Five Steps to Beating Procrastination
- How to gain up to two hours of productivity a day
All four have been extremely informative and I eagerly look forward to the remaining 22 lessons.
My challenge is figuring out what do I want to do with this ever growing body of knowledge. I am dragging my feet changing to another restaurant, which must happen because I need to earn more money. I am equally flummoxed by how to focus and utilize the skills that for so long I was unable to access due to depression and the fog of ADHD.
Here are the various ideas that dance across my consciousness:
- teaching performance workshops
- event MC
- voice over artist
- yoga teacher
- music festival organizer
- creating solo shows
- playwright
- creating a national holiday celebrating secularism
- sketch and comedy song writer
- creating my own production company
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Reflections on Death
Yep, that the most honest essay title that came to me.
I, along with millions of others, have been thinking about Robin Williams this week, about the terrible pain the brought him to the point where he consciously took his own life. I also learned today that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. If you are profoundly depressed, there is little to no energy left to face anything. Doing the dishes and dealing with a lifelong illness seem equally impossible to face.
What did his comedy mean to me? Why am I so sad at his death? Why was this performer such a standout amongst his peers? The one word that seems completely appropriate is empathy. He emotionally connected with everyone around him. Williams could take the most horrible and tragic of circumstances and make it wickedly, heartbreakingly funny. His work seems to show that all of life is a tragedy so you might as well laugh (and be kind to one another).
Robin Williams seemed to possess the ability to be a transmitter of emotion. In his comedy (and elsewhere) he shared his darkest and most lonely self in a way that let people feel less alone themselves.
I think that's what truly we all want: to be less alone.
Sadly we are a little more alone because he is gone.
I, along with millions of others, have been thinking about Robin Williams this week, about the terrible pain the brought him to the point where he consciously took his own life. I also learned today that he was dealing with the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. If you are profoundly depressed, there is little to no energy left to face anything. Doing the dishes and dealing with a lifelong illness seem equally impossible to face.
What did his comedy mean to me? Why am I so sad at his death? Why was this performer such a standout amongst his peers? The one word that seems completely appropriate is empathy. He emotionally connected with everyone around him. Williams could take the most horrible and tragic of circumstances and make it wickedly, heartbreakingly funny. His work seems to show that all of life is a tragedy so you might as well laugh (and be kind to one another).
Robin Williams seemed to possess the ability to be a transmitter of emotion. In his comedy (and elsewhere) he shared his darkest and most lonely self in a way that let people feel less alone themselves.
I think that's what truly we all want: to be less alone.
Sadly we are a little more alone because he is gone.
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