What is it about writing things out that changes everything?
This blog has been so difficult to write of late though. Rough drafts plague me but I see nothing yet worth sharing. This morning I reflected upon the reasons why I started this blog project in the first place in November 0f 2012: I was creating a music festival from scratch and I needed a place to write about the challenges that I, an adult with lifelong ADHD, faced. What I learned and what has brought me back here to write in February 2015 is that by compelling myself to share what I am working on, I am also compelled to work harder and to create a narrative that is worthy of your time.
I am here to use this blog again to share my lifelong challenges with a brain that can be wonderfully creative and incredibly alive emotionally but also woefully deficient in linear thinking and follow-through.
For me writing out a narrative equals more follow through. And that is what I need right now.
So I hope you join me again while I share this journey.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Systems and How Much I Resist Implementing Them
Two months ago the New York Times published an article titled, "A Natural Fix for ADHD."
Two ideas stand out to me:
"Recent neuroscience research shows that people with A.D.H.D. are actually hard-wired for novelty-seeking — a trait that had, until relatively recently, a distinct evolutionary advantage. Compared with the rest of us, they have sluggish and underfed brain reward circuits, so much of everyday life feels routine and under-stimulating." and
From the standpoint of teachers, parents and the world at large, the problem with people with A.D.H.D. looks like a lack of focus and attention and impulsive behavior. But if you have the “illness,” the real problem is that, to your brain, the world that you live in essentially feels not very interesting.
So why have I titled this essay, "systems?" Friends of mine recently emphasized the importance of creating and honoring systems to getting-things-done; however, when applied to the brains of folks who fit the description above things can get very tricky.
Of course, you need a system to get things done: look through bills every other Tuesday, workout every other day, study from 8-9pm five days a week. But how can the ADHD adult get a system to work for rather than against her? More often then not, setting up a system is a recipe for predicted failure.
So here is what I recommend:
In my experience it takes a good amount of time to really notice without shame what does and does not work for you. For instance when I do paperwork, I am much more productive if low volume percussive music plays. Why? Because in some way neurologically the sound seems to siphon off the extra energy that perpetually courses through my brain and body when I sit still yet the pulse keeps my mind stimulated enough to retain some measure of focus and follow-through. Another action that works for me? Keeping a simple salad of black and kidney beans with a selection of herbs and veggies in my fridge as often as I can. I am amazed at the effect that these complex carbs have on my sense well-being and stability. Not only do I feel peaceful when I eat like this but this easy simple dish helps to control my sugar cravings (and it's a cheap solution to boot).
Systems will almost always be the way to get things done but give yourself the time and compassion to figure out what is best for your brain and body before you undertake any commitment that requires, well, commitment.
Two ideas stand out to me:
"Recent neuroscience research shows that people with A.D.H.D. are actually hard-wired for novelty-seeking — a trait that had, until relatively recently, a distinct evolutionary advantage. Compared with the rest of us, they have sluggish and underfed brain reward circuits, so much of everyday life feels routine and under-stimulating." and
From the standpoint of teachers, parents and the world at large, the problem with people with A.D.H.D. looks like a lack of focus and attention and impulsive behavior. But if you have the “illness,” the real problem is that, to your brain, the world that you live in essentially feels not very interesting.
So why have I titled this essay, "systems?" Friends of mine recently emphasized the importance of creating and honoring systems to getting-things-done; however, when applied to the brains of folks who fit the description above things can get very tricky.
Of course, you need a system to get things done: look through bills every other Tuesday, workout every other day, study from 8-9pm five days a week. But how can the ADHD adult get a system to work for rather than against her? More often then not, setting up a system is a recipe for predicted failure.
So here is what I recommend:
In my experience it takes a good amount of time to really notice without shame what does and does not work for you. For instance when I do paperwork, I am much more productive if low volume percussive music plays. Why? Because in some way neurologically the sound seems to siphon off the extra energy that perpetually courses through my brain and body when I sit still yet the pulse keeps my mind stimulated enough to retain some measure of focus and follow-through. Another action that works for me? Keeping a simple salad of black and kidney beans with a selection of herbs and veggies in my fridge as often as I can. I am amazed at the effect that these complex carbs have on my sense well-being and stability. Not only do I feel peaceful when I eat like this but this easy simple dish helps to control my sugar cravings (and it's a cheap solution to boot).
Systems will almost always be the way to get things done but give yourself the time and compassion to figure out what is best for your brain and body before you undertake any commitment that requires, well, commitment.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
An Unchosen Hiatus
This blog is supposed to be weekly and recently it has not been. I have found it excruciating to put out a worthy narrative. I put it down to getting very near intense vulnerability and as of yet not being able to sit with it.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the poor sense of time that afflicts that ADHD brain. I've read about it many times but I've been seeking ways to describe how it manifests itself in my own life in order to understand how it severely undermines my life goals. In this essay, I'm thinking about it in terms of the many projects I've started but not finished. I must also share that recently someone described the ADHD mind as one with too many tabs left open. Oh, how this immediately resonated with me.
The music festival I created two years ago was an ideal project for me because it was long term enough to take me well outside my comfort zone in terms of planning but also short term enough that I could see the end of the horizon from months away. Essentially, in both years, I worked on it from January 1st until the mid-May.
What of my career goals such as they have ever been? In 2006, I said to myself that I'd like to pursue a voice over career. Now it's nearing the end of 2014 and I have little to show for it other than some expensive equipment and a good amount of training. A few years ago, I had to admit to myself that I didn't enjoy working at home, alone in a studio and that this wasn't necessarily an ADHD issue. That's more about my fundamentally preferring to work with people in person on a daily basis. I am at my best and most true self when I collaborate. Money has been spent, a few demos were made, one paying job, lots of Facebook and Linkdin connections but, alas, no discernible career. Notwithstanding the nature of choosing such a difficult career to create, I couldn't lock into the "dailiness" of this job. No external structure, no official goals, no coworkers in the same space with whom to talk.
Upon the advice of these ADHD business coaches, I have kept any and all notes that I need in life in one notebook. This has been fantastic. I rarely misplace this notebook and I know where all my reminders and ideas sit. I bring this up because I have tons of ideas in there: recording and video projects, design ideas, essays, concert performance dreams written out, etc. The ideas don't end. It's the execution that eludes me still. At this writing the vulnerability of reopening and examining these life dreams haunt rather than inform me. Stay with my my readers. I'm working hard to be strong in that space.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the poor sense of time that afflicts that ADHD brain. I've read about it many times but I've been seeking ways to describe how it manifests itself in my own life in order to understand how it severely undermines my life goals. In this essay, I'm thinking about it in terms of the many projects I've started but not finished. I must also share that recently someone described the ADHD mind as one with too many tabs left open. Oh, how this immediately resonated with me.
The music festival I created two years ago was an ideal project for me because it was long term enough to take me well outside my comfort zone in terms of planning but also short term enough that I could see the end of the horizon from months away. Essentially, in both years, I worked on it from January 1st until the mid-May.
What of my career goals such as they have ever been? In 2006, I said to myself that I'd like to pursue a voice over career. Now it's nearing the end of 2014 and I have little to show for it other than some expensive equipment and a good amount of training. A few years ago, I had to admit to myself that I didn't enjoy working at home, alone in a studio and that this wasn't necessarily an ADHD issue. That's more about my fundamentally preferring to work with people in person on a daily basis. I am at my best and most true self when I collaborate. Money has been spent, a few demos were made, one paying job, lots of Facebook and Linkdin connections but, alas, no discernible career. Notwithstanding the nature of choosing such a difficult career to create, I couldn't lock into the "dailiness" of this job. No external structure, no official goals, no coworkers in the same space with whom to talk.
Upon the advice of these ADHD business coaches, I have kept any and all notes that I need in life in one notebook. This has been fantastic. I rarely misplace this notebook and I know where all my reminders and ideas sit. I bring this up because I have tons of ideas in there: recording and video projects, design ideas, essays, concert performance dreams written out, etc. The ideas don't end. It's the execution that eludes me still. At this writing the vulnerability of reopening and examining these life dreams haunt rather than inform me. Stay with my my readers. I'm working hard to be strong in that space.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
I'm Still Here
Yes, I am still here. I have at least five essays in the rough draft stage. To keep you occupied, do take a few minutes to read this essay on The Habits of Highly Productive Writers.
Humbling reading for an ADHD brain.
Humbling reading for an ADHD brain.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The Only Thing Tempting is Temptation Itself
Traveling and preparing for an overly tempting food environment can be challenging for most of us. ADHD adults have their own issues with which to contend such as the near absolute truth that if the cravings occur (and they will) we will indulge them. Read here to see more of my thoughts on this. Last weekend I made a trip to another city where I knew there would be many tempting foods, from the junk food at the gas stations to the too-large portion sizes in restaurants to party food that I always love, love, love.
Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave. These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride. I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked! I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted. Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time. Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there). I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake. Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this. I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.
My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago. Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism. Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.
More soon!
Some really amazing things happened that have given me hope based on reality rather than wishful thinking. First off I reviewed the weekend before I went to envision the parts that would prove challenging. Then I made sure to carry with me unsalted cashews, which I like but don't crave. These staved off any and all cravings on the five hour bus ride. I also managed for the first time ever to go out for breakfast and eat as I knew would be best for me given my goal of stemming cravings. And it worked! I ate oatmeal at a diner while my friends got whatever they wanted. Additionally, I was open with them and told them I was looking for ways that would stem my cravings and would be eating a bit differently this time. Where I faltered, if you will, was at the party (which was the reason I was up there). I ate WAY too much (really and truly fantastic) cake. Over all though, I wasn't too upset about this. I made some real changes that were my choices to make AND I managed to really lesson my cravings.
My next challenge is to contend with my 10lb weight gain that I've experienced ever since doubling my antidepressant (from 75 mg of Effexor to 150mg) a year ago. Just yesterday my MD informed me that she thinks that the change has slowed my metabolism. Doubling my antidepressant has been a fantastic decision but I'm seeing that there are some unwanted side effects.
More soon!
Friday, October 10, 2014
Understanding Time Blindness (well, my time blindness)
Time blindness - I am completely fascinated by this topic in relation to ADHD thinking. How do I describe what I don't see nor do naturally?
"According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can 't connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren 't able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It's very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. " Citation
The lack of this ability leads to impulsive decisions (pick your vice that you indulge) and years of wasted time.
One way I think of this inability to imagine the future is to imagine a reverse spiral of layers upon layers of challenge.
Let's imagine those "begats" that you may come across if you ever read through some of the bible. A dysfunctioning neurological system begats poor sleep habits begats emotional sensitivity begats morning moodiness began sleepiness begats forgetfulness begats poor focus in school begats inability to do homework well begats grade anxiety begats an already squishy self esteem begats learning to keep quiet begats toxic stress begats overeating begats sugar addiction begats sugar crashes begats years of weight loss and gain and loss and gain begats finding oneself almost 43 years old wondering how I missed healthy life planning.
I now know how I missed it (read above) but it seems imperative to understand how I didn't see in order to now see.
"According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, we struggle to have a memory of the future. What that means, Luther explained, is that it is very difficult for those with ADHD to see ourselves in the future. We can 't connect to our future selves on an emotional or intellectual level. We aren 't able to think of our future selves and act from what our future selves will really, really want. It's very difficult for us to remember and act from how we want to feel and be a month from now, let alone years from now. " Citation
The lack of this ability leads to impulsive decisions (pick your vice that you indulge) and years of wasted time.
One way I think of this inability to imagine the future is to imagine a reverse spiral of layers upon layers of challenge.
Let's imagine those "begats" that you may come across if you ever read through some of the bible. A dysfunctioning neurological system begats poor sleep habits begats emotional sensitivity begats morning moodiness began sleepiness begats forgetfulness begats poor focus in school begats inability to do homework well begats grade anxiety begats an already squishy self esteem begats learning to keep quiet begats toxic stress begats overeating begats sugar addiction begats sugar crashes begats years of weight loss and gain and loss and gain begats finding oneself almost 43 years old wondering how I missed healthy life planning.
I now know how I missed it (read above) but it seems imperative to understand how I didn't see in order to now see.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Changing Habits
Changing habits, really changing habits, is extremely challenging so I thought that I'd report here about some success that I've had in slowly changing some long term destructive habits of mine. Like many ADHD adults (and children), I'm a sugar addict. A while back, while staring at a partially eaten chocolate cake, one of those huge sheet cakes that feeds at least 50 people, I said to my friend mournfully, "I could eat all of that and still crave more." She replied with a phrase she learned from reading about recovery, "One is too many and a thousand isn't enough." I've never forgotten that phrase and know it to be deeply true.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
That said, as a sugar addict I finally figured out that my goal wasn't to learn how to fight craving (that rarely works) but how best to limit how often those cravings even arose, an offensive rather than a defensive strategy.
After much reading and food experimentation, I figured out that like many ADHD adults, my brain does best on beans and to a nearly equal extent, protein. The more I've learned to cook beans in all their glory, the less I crave sugar than I used to.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
Not only that, eating low glycemic index, slow burn foods keeps me feeling level and awake for hours at a time. Additionally, I've greatly minimized the crashes I had after eating too much sugar or high carb meals. In many ways I am lucky: I love to cook, will try any international cuisine and I am the opposite of a picky eater. The foods that are right for me I also really like.
So I recommend experimenting with different recipes that focus on complex carbohydrates. There are fantastic cookbooks out there and and endless amount of recipes online.
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